...it's not dark yet, but it's gettin' there...
Many of you enjoyed the rubric "American Skankwomen," which was originally designed to poke fun at Brittany, then morphed into an anti-Lindsay Logan category.
When Annika's Journal is gone, do not despair. Let me recommend that you subscribe to Michael Buckley's videoblog, What The Buck? He is brilliant!
Watch Michael crack on Brittany, Paris and Lindsay.
"The gays can rejoice in their new Liza." LOL, that is too funny.
Among the requirements for admission into the Skankwomen sorority is an inability to learn simple lessons from personal experience, most specifically evidenced by poor driving judgment.
to wit:
Nicole Richie, with a previous DUI on her record, not to mention a heroin bust, decides to smoke weed, pop vicodin, then get in her SUV and drive the wrong way on an L.A. freeway. Luckily, nobody got killed as a result of that brain fart.
Not to be outdone, Nicole's pal Mischa Barton, whose sister just went into rehab, and whose OC character got killed in a car crash, borrows Nicole Richie's car, slams into another car in a parking lot, then a few days later gets photographed smoking a j while driving her own car.
Congratulations, Mischa, you're in the club. Hopefully you won't kill anyone either. Not that you care, you stupid skank.
P.S. In unrelated Brittany news, it's impossible to pick a favorite in Stereogum's photoshop contest, but #11 is up there.
h/t 6MB, via Agent Bedhead
Brittany is disintegrating in public view. It is very sad. Odds are even that she won't make it to 30. If she does, it will be as some other unrecognizable creature, in the way that ultra-celebrity transformed Howard Hughes and Michael Jackson. Some say she's "crying for help." Unfortunately, the only hope for her would be if everyone completely ignored her from now on. I think this post proves that that is not going to happen.
CENTURY CITY, CA Sources close to mega-pop star Lindsay Logan have confirmed that her emergency appendectomy was the result of a little known experimental procedure called "toxicological remote analysis of medical photography."
The new technique uses super-high magnification of ordinary photographs to enable early diagnosis of many life threatening ailments, according to doctors at Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.
"By analyzing any external snapshot under extreme magnification one can often see inside the patient's body," explained Dr. Valderramma, a pioneer in the new technique. "It all depends of course, on the particular orifice present on the photographic film."
Dr. Valderramma, an otorhinolaryngologist, often uses toxicological remote analysis of medical photography to screen his own patients for tonsillectomies.
"The technique is most useful for diagnosing tonsillitis, since photographs showing a patient's mouth are commonly available," said Valderramma. Evidently, it was only a matter of time before someone applied the same method to check for disorders of the lower torso, such as appendicitis.
"Nowadays anyone can easily obtain photographs of a young lady's cootch on the internet," explained Dr. Valderramma. "So in a way, Ms. Lohan is quite lucky that someone performed the analysis on one of her paparazzi photos. Her own skankiness may have saved her life."
"It's just another example of the wonders of modern science," the doctor added with a wide grin.
More wisdom from the brain of Lindsay Logan:
I mean we're talkin' like, upper and inner thigh action -bruised . . . like a walking black-and-blue mark. I mean really though, really, I didn't know it was actually possible to have bruises in such areas of the body.What's she talking about?
Trump tells the story:
She left a small town in Kentucky, and she was telling me that she got caught up in the whirlwind of New York . . . It's a story that has happened many times before to many women and to many men who came to the Big Apple. They wanted their slice of the Big Apple, and they found out it wasn't so easy.
Sounds like something Steve Perry once sang:
Just a small town girl, livin in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin anywhere
Or (long as we're quoting SF bands), as the great Rob Weir once sang:
What in the world ever became of sweet Jane?
She lost her sparkle, you know she isn't the same
Living on reds, vitamin C and cocaine
all a friend can say is ain't it a shame . . .
I just received the best Lindsay Logan email of the year, from Italy.
Hi lindsay my name is Lorenzo, I'm a italian boy and i think you it's a very beatiful girl and one very talent girl.How romantic. That's something about Italians, I tell you they must be born with it. Too bad he's wasting that talent on a skank like Lindsay Logan.You don't know me and i think don't interessed but, i think you all day and speack with you is my dream. You are my dream. Scuse me for my english, i don't speack good but my word it's very important for me, you are my angel and for me you are a very good girl.
I are one boy with one dream and this, are you.
I don't rich and i don't interessed money but my dream is see your eyes.
One kiss by one boy
Lorenzo
Update: More Lindsay news at 6MB.
Selected quotes from Lindsay Logan's most recent e-mail missive:
"Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me."If you wanna make the world a bet-ter place, take a look at your-self and make that..."If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan Metroplis, and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK."
"Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character."
"our society should be educated for the better of our country. Our people . . . because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see."
"It's my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all. But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my opinion. I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be."
"[I'm at] such a young and tender age in a woman's life. It's enough already, I've had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change."
...change.
oooh... oooh... nanana na na na na na na...
Sorry.
Back to Lindsay's email. Memo to Lindsay: nobody gives a fuck. Except me of course, because I need a new skankwoman to post about, and you're as good as any.
Early last year, The Manolo was asked this question:
THE MANOLO: The Christina. There is for the Manolo no of the contest. The Christina, she is the beautiful lost waif, one who has, like the Violetta in the La Traviata fallen into the whoredom. For the Britney, this it was the sideways move.
And that, I believe, will be (and should be!) the final mention of the American Skankwoman on a's j.
The major announcement is this: I don't wanna do any more Brittany Spears posts. After her latest stunt, it's just not funny anymore.
One of my new year's resolutions for 2005, which I managed to keep, was not to blog about Paris Hilton. Now I think it's time to stop blogging about Brittany.
It's obvious she wants to enter the public consciousness again after her marriage hiatus. So she somehow got the brilliant idea that she should hang out with Paris Hilton, and copy the queen of skank's habits. Foremost among those habits is Paris's occasional tendency to show off her twat for the camera.
Paris does it on purpose, because it's part of her public image, and it works for her. But part of Brittany's charm, if you could call it that, was her lowbrow small town naοvetι. Sure, she kissed Madonna, but part of me wants to believe that she didn't really know what that meant. "Ya mean people thawt that ah was lezbeeyin? Gawsh, ah had no ahdeeyah!"
But the planned crotch flash just isn't consistent with that simple image. It signals that Brittany plans to take her persona in a different direction, post K-Fed into the realm of super-skankdom.
If I were advising Brittany, I'd say she is going in exactly the opposite direction she needs to go in order to rehabilitate her career. Even Paris knows that; witness the way she tried to close Brittany's legs in the picture above.
Publicity is publicity, negative or otherwise. Paris knows that too. But if Brittany really wants to be taken seriously, she should really take a look at how Christina Aguilera has managed her career. There's a girl who has found the happy medium between skankiness and musical talent.
Okay, maybe that's a little too ambitious for Brittany. No amount of vocal coaching would get her within one tenth of Christina's voice. But all I'm saying is, if you're going to be famous, at least be famous for something not like Paris, who's famous only for being famous.
So if Brittany is just going to be a Paris Hilton clone, I'm not going to abet her anymore. It would only make me feel skanky by association.
Just heard about this:
A video of Britney Spears' soon-to-be ex-husband apparently getting a text message informing him that the pop princess had filed for divorce became the most viewed item on the YouTube Internet site on Thursday, with more than 1 million hits.Here's the video:The Web video shows Federline taping a reality television show and talking about Spears being his biggest fan -- until he gets a text message. Then he puts his head in his hands, rips off his microphone and disappears, returning 30 minutes later visibly upset.
What a loser.
Britney Spears has filed a petition for divorce from Kevin Federline.She keeps the house, and the cars, and the clothes, and the boat, and the horses, and the jewelry, and the dogs. He gets to keep the bong.TMZ obtained the legal papers, filed today in Los Angeles County Superior Court, citing "irreconcilable differences." In her petition, Spears asks for both legal and physical custody of the couple's two children, one-year old Sean Preston and two-month old Jayden James, with Federline getting reasonable visitation rights.
As for money, sources tell TMZ the couple, who married in Oct. 2004, has an iron-clad prenup. Not surprisingly, Spears is waiving her right to spousal support.
She's also asking the judge to make each party pay their own attorney's fees.I can't remember who had this month in the divorce pool.Spears gives the date of separation as yesterday, the same day she flaunted her incredible revamped physique during a surprise appearance on David Letterman's show. Sources tell TMZ there was no single reason for Britney pulling the plug, rather, it was "a string of events."
Spears has hired powerhouse celebrity divorce lawyer Laura Wasser, who has repped a number of celebs, including Angelina Jolie, Nick Lachey and Kiefer Sutherland.
h/t Michelle Malkin
Yes, people keep sending them to me. Usually people ask me for her e-mail and normally I send back a curt response. But this one was unusual because somehow the dude thinks I'm her. How insulting is that?
Here it is, verbatim:
hi lindsay lohanI should write him back:i'am your biggest fan and because i love all your movies you stared in and one more i want you to go out with me sometime if you want to and please write back biggest sweetheart
dear freako,that is 2 funny.you are a sick stalker, and probably very dangerous and meen. do not come near my house.
instead, i'll mete you behind Jerry's Deli 2nite at midnite. Bring some rubers and weed
luv, Lindsay Logan
Now that baby number two is out, pencil in June 2007 for the next blessed event.
Oh, this one is a boy!
This game is awesome. You play a bouncer, and your job is to pummel Kevin Federline into a bloody stump. Not surprisingly, it is a lot of fun. Don't forget to mix in a lot of body shots too.
A controversial sculpture of Britney Spears β naked, life-sized and crouching as she is giving birth on a bearskin rug β is due to go on display April 7 at Brooklyn's Capla Kesting Fine Art gallery as part of a pro-life exhibition.The sculpture is to be part of a pro-life exhibit, so they say:"I admire her. This is an idealized figure," the Connecticut-based artist, Daniel Edwards, tells the Associated Press β also admitting that he's never met or even spoken to his 24-year-old subject.
"Everyone is coming at me with anger and venom, but I depicted her as she has depicted herself β seductively," says Edwards. "Suddenly, she's a mom."
"This is a new take on pro-life," said Edwards, whose life-size sculpture will appear at the gallery next to a display case filled with pro-life materials. "Pro-lifers normally promote bloody images of abortion. This is the image of birth." (Actually it seems more like an image of conception.)Sounds disturbing. Sometimes pop culture is just too fucking weird for me to even comment.The sculpture shows Brit naked and pregnant, crouching face-down on a bear rug as the baby's head appears at her opposite end.When some bloggers heard about the exhibit, the gallery received about 3,000 e-mails from around the world, split between pro-choice and pro-life opinions.
Just when i was about to give up on boring old Brittany and start blogging about Lindsay full time, the rumors start up again.
By way of introduction, here's the no shit sherlock quote of the year:
Her mom is very clear about the fact that she doesn't think Kevin is right for Britney . . . And [she] even suggests that maybe she shouldn't have married him to begin with.Ya think?!
So here we are, less than a year after the big wedding, and there's talk of a break-up.
Hard as that is to believe.
The marriage started off well. Brittany promising to pay for everything. Brittany buying Kevin a Ferrari. Brittany promising to help the child of Kevin's ex, whom he kicked to the curb when he found true love (and Brit's bank account). Kevin promising to help clean up after Bit-Bit more often. Brittany giving Kevin a hand-job in public. Ah, those were happy times.
Then came the thrilling news, after weeks of pointless denials that no one believed: Brittany was pregnant! And we all watched breathlessly as she went baby clothes shopping. We laughed adoringly while she "ate for two." We supported her, as i'm sure Kevin did, when she tried to quit smoking for the baby's sake. Then, when little SPF was born, like George Bailey we wept and prayed.
Wept and prayed.
i think i speak for all of us when i say i hoped things could have always stayed that perfect. After Brad and Jen, and Ben and Jen, and Renee and Ken, and Barbie and Ken, and Nick and Jess, and Paris², and Paris and Nicole, and ... i just don't know how many more celebrity break-ups i can take. But Kev and Brit, now that was one that was meant for the ages.
i mean, it was only two short weeks ago that we saw this happy scene: Kevin and Brittany strolling and waddling, respectively, out for a lovely day at a private beach.
But now we hear rumors of a great disturbance in paradise. As if dozens of Brittany fans suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.
Did Brittany throw Kevin out on his ass? Did she cut off Kevin's credit cards? Did Brittany's mom meet up with Kevin's ex, just to collect more dirt on the guilty guy? Did Kevin beg Brittany in Vegas to give him another chance. Did our girl hang tough. Did Kevin respond by saying: "Yo, least let me have the Ferrari back, bayatch." Did Brittany call him toxic? Did she throw his ring back, the one she paid for? Is it all over?
This just in. Bowing to criticism, it seems that President Bush will replace Miers with another woman whose credentials, some might argue, are similarly noteworthy.
i'm talking about Brittany, of course.
President Bush said that Spears, who is an expert in rhythmic 'dancercise' and has achieved notable success marketing recorded entertainment to the under-14 WASP demographic, will make 'a real good judge'. While the choice of Washington outsider Britney Spears is clearly intended to help deflect growing accusations of cronyism and insideropeia within the Bush administration, pundits on both sides of the isle nevertheless predict an uphill confirmation climb for the youthful entertainer.As for me, i'm disappointed. i'm sure Brittany might make a fine justice, but i'd much rather have someone with "Meals On Wheels" experience.Britney Spears, who joined the nomination announcement via video uplink, said she was 'totally excited' about the opportunity. 'This is like so cool,' said Ms. Spears. 'I mean, like, the Superior Court and everything. It's like a dream come true. I mean for somebody, I guess.'
Scroll down for Brittany's personal message to her fans.
i'm very confused by this auction. The item description is full of contradictory statements. Is the item for sale or isn't it? Do proceeds go to Hurricane Relief or to Brittany's foundation?
Developing...
[Hat tip to Steve at Poker for the Masses, who asks the following questions about playing in a charity poker game at the Playboy Mansion:
1) should i bring a towel?i got a chuckle out of that.]
2) how should I play 99? (strong is the correct answer)
3) should i tell my wife where the charity event is?
4) if yes, should i tell her before?
Brittany Sex Tape release feared.
My prediction: she still has no talent.
Update: Her lawyers concur.
A copy of the original tape viewed by the couple's lawyers elicited laughter and disgust.That's harsh, dudes.
Update 2: My sources in the media have obtained for me a copy of the tape. It's dark and filmed in night vision green, but i was able to transcribe some of the audio for you.
Brittany: "is that better hun?"It goes on like that for several minutes. Quite boring, actually.Kevin: "uh-uh"
Brittany: "here let me..."
Kevin: "I don't..."
Brittany: "it's not..."
Kevin: "just..."
Brittany: "uhhh..."
Kevin: "maybe if you just..."
Brittany: "huh?"
Kevin: "ow"
Brittany: "sorry, I..."
Kevin: "no keep going..."
Brittany: "I'm..."
Kevin: "there... no... "
Brittany: "ow"
Kevin: "what?"
Brittany: "let's try it this, uh..."
Kevin: "wait..."
Brittany: "how about now?"
Kevin: "it's gone..."
Brittany: "what?"
Kevin: "it's no good..."
Brittany: "huh?"
Kevin: "sorry I'm just..."
Brittany: "huh?"
Kevin: "you're..."
Brittany: "i can't..."
Kevin: "ow"
Brittany has a baby boy! Please use the comments to let us know what you bought the Federlines from their baby shower gift registry.
i got them the baby blue mini cuspidor from Oshkosh B'Gosh and a little tin of Baby Skoal.
For those who are interested, Wizbang has posted some photos of Brittany in full frontal pregnancy fashion. She looks...uh...happy, i guess.
Link thanks to Victor, who raced out to see that new movie only to be disappointed when he discovered it was not in fact called Ratman Begins.
Some sick entrepeneur dug Brittany's pregnancy test out of a dumpster and sold it for 5 grr!
'It's hard to put a price on Britney Spears' urine,' Golden Palace spokesman Drew Black told The Associated Press Wednesday.Student loan funds are running low, so i was toying with the idea of putting up some blog ads for extra money, but fuck that. There's easier money to be had!Golden Palace says it purchased the test from Ottawa radio station Hot 89.9, which insists the test was retrieved from the trash outside Spears' Los Angeles hotel room months ago. The station didn't leak news of the test until Spears and husband Kevin Federline revealed her pregnancy to the public last month.
i am now in the pee business. Any sickos wanna buy a tube of annie-urine, the bidding starts at five hundred a jar!
...about Brittany Spears' "condition," was said by Jennifer at Demure Thoughts:
I can just see, Brit now. Walking down Rodeo Drive 8 months pregnant with a Marlboro ULTRA Light hanging out of her mouth, her statement of sacrifice for the baby being that she gave up the Reds.
In this exclusive video clip from Brittany's upcoming reality tv show, we see her out on the town with a few of the hot tub friends.
We've heard the rumors before, but now it may actually be true.
Britney Spears is three months pregnant, it has been claimed.Weight gain due to pregnancy could be an alternate explanation for why she was seen without her wedding ring recently.The pop babe, who has made no secret of her desire to start a family with second husband Kevin Federline, will reportedly announce her pregnancy within the next couple of days.
Respected American gossip columnist Norm Clarke said: 'Britney Spears. not a girl, soon to be a mommy.
She's pregnant. Look for the announcement any day now.'
Well, if it's true, let me join Nikita Demosthenes, in wishing her good luck and congratulations.
Hat tip to Nikita, too.
It's been a while since i've caught up with Brittany. Despite her vow to lay low, she's been on a something of a comic rampage lately:
For instance, she recently promised:
In the future, I will refrain from discussing my private life in interviews. It will be expressed solely through art.Art? Art?!
She's taken up painting, i guess. Cuz she can't be talking about what she does for a living.
Federline's ex-girlfriend, Amy Woody, accusing Federline of . . . being hygienically impaired.Eeeew. The American Skankman!Not only is he not a daily bather, he apparently would go for days without a scrub.
He needs someone to be like, 'ok, let's buck you up, let's give you a moustache, let's rough you up, let's go to a bar, let's get drunk and be a man.' . . . he needs to get in a fight.Interesting idea. Although i bet if somebody punched him in the nose, they'd get a nasty splinter.
But the manager chased after the couple and said they could stay if the pup was tucked inside her bag.Notice the flip flops. She tries so hard to beBritney and dancer Kevin returned with Bit Bit in her pink holdall, emblazoned with the word BITCHY.
If she's trying to disguise herself, it might help if she left her rat at home. And the dog, too.
Brittany Spears is suing her insurance companies after they refused to pay her multi-million dollar claim.
Britney Spears has filed a $9.8 million lawsuit in New York to cover the losses for her canceled Onyx Hotel Tour.Now the lesson here is, don't lie on your insurance application. It's the oldest trick in the plaintiff's book: hide your pre-existing injuries. Usually it's done after the claim is made, but in Brittany's case, she did it on the application.Spears called off the 2004 tour after suffering a knee injury, but several insurers refused to make up the amount she lost because on the insurance applications, Spears checked 'no' to the question of pre-existing injuries, Celebrity Justice reports.
Spears had undergone minor knee surgery [on the same knee] five years before she signed the applications. She claims she simply forgot about the surgery because it was so long ago and she had fully recovered.
What's wrong with that? Well from a theoretical standpoint, it's borderline fraudulent. She offered to enter into a contract with the insurance company without disclosing information that would be directly relevant to the amount of premium they would agree to charge her. In other words, she was arguably ripping off her insurance companies.
People do this all the time. When i worked on auto cases for insurance company clients, the most common scenario was the person who lied about thier address to get a better rate. Other people lie about the length of their commute. Sometimes, after making a claim, they'd lie about who was actually driving the car, or whether a relative lived in the same house, in order to get around an exclusion in the contract.
When you're talking 9.8 mil, i can understand why the insurance company would use any defense they can find to get out of paying on the claim. Of course, that's what insurance companies do best anyways: weasel out of paying claims. It's all a part of the game.
Here's something a little lighter, for this week. Plus it'll fit within two of my rubrics.
A quick google search revealed that Brittany Spears, besides being a fascinating singer/actress/entertainer/essayist/dancer/amateur physicist/skank, is also a poet. Brittany apparently contacted the proprietors of Tastes Like Chicken, and they agreed to publish some of her very own poetry. Here's a sample:
MOMMY, CAN YOU READ ME A BOOK?Mommy, will you please read me this book?
It made no sense to me when I gave it a look
It's confusing and weird and it is very scary
I can't make out what it is saying to me... ah, Barry
Oh. I was trying to read a book of stamps.
Never mind.
Go here to read some even better poems by Brittany.
Brittany is busy writing a letter to her fans.
[Spears] has worked so hard on her letter that she says, she 'feels like I'm at Harvard.'i can't wait to see which of the 26 she will pick.
Brittany's not actually married, according to this NY Post article, which also contains details of her pre-nuptial agreement.
Spears' rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnick, who had thought the singer was officially married, told The Post:Assuming they're still together, i would add.'Her marriage is not technically legal. But as far as Britney and Kevin [Federline's] union is concerned, it is a marriage and they are married. The papers were filed, but because the wedding date was switched so quickly, they didn't come through, and the marriage hasn't become legal yet.'
Another source said when β and if β the papers do come through, Britney will not stage another white-dress wedding when she's officially and legally married next month.
Us Weekly said Spears' prenup caused the 'technical' delay, as Federline was 'unhappy with how much he stood to gain if the marriage dissolved.'A pittance? Hell, for 300 grr, i'd marry the bitch.The prenup gives Federline only '$300,000 a year for exactly half the tenure of their marriage' β a pittance, considering Spears' $32 million bank account.
This is the most deplorable clause, though:
'Britney shall have no financial obligation to contribute to the support of [Federline's] two children.'She's got all that money, she stole the dad from those two innocent kids and their mother, and she won't even cough up a little child support?
American Skankwoman, is right.
Via Wind Rider.
With Brittany, Brittany, Spears-mint Gum!
What could possibly bump up the value of some pieces to the $14,000 range?
Maybe some chunks have a higher amount of tobacco residue than the other pieces? Or a higher percentage of cum content, measured in parts per billion?
"Britney was my sex-mad bride": Jason Alexander tells all.
Link thanks to Jennifer, who seems to always find this stuff before me. ; )
A skanky homewrecking no-talent ho? The answer is yes.
But is she pregnant? She says no.
Okay, so commenter Rick chided me for not mentioning the rumor that Brittany is pregnant. Actually, not being as diligent lately as is my usual wont, i didn't know about the rumor until reading Rick's comment.
Pop star Britney's shock engagement may reportedly be because the singer is pregnant. . . . [T]he News of the World says Britney is expecting a child at Christmas and so wants to be married to him by November.However, in a People Magazine interview, Brittany denied the rumor. Also, she revealed that she proposed to the dancer-guy first.. . .
The driving force behind the marriage is the singer's mother, Lynne, who doesn't want her to have a baby out of wedlock.
A Britney insider told the paper: 'Her mum has taken control now.'
They got talking on the plane about this and that and suddenly she proposed to him. And he said no. Now, this all is in a span of a couple of minutes. Then he turned around and asked her and she said yes.Never mind the fact that dancer-dude has a two year old with another woman, who happens to be pregnant with his second child.
Pop icon and fine upstanding role model: Brittany Spears.
Anyways, here's another rumor that i hope turns out to be true:
Pop beauty Britney Spears has decided to give up her singing career to become a full-time housewife, according to her pals.Keeping my fingers crossed on that one.
i've been posting lightly lately, but i don't want to miss the chance to acknowledge the two amazing events that happened recently, neither of which, some critics say, have a snowball's chance in hell of lasting.
Iraq is a sovereign and independent nation . . .
. . . and . . .
. . . Brittany got engaged!
So congratulations to all 25,374,691 Iraqi citizens and to Brittany Spears. i wish all of you guys the best of luck. Who can say what the future holds for you? But i know, if you work hard, persevere and stay true to what is right, with a little bit of luck i'm sure that you all will create a lasting and successful modernized union that will become the envy of all countries throughout the troubled Middle East region, or of skanky homewrecking no-talent ho's, whichever the case may be.
Did i or did i not predict that Brittany Spears would be in rehab by October of this year?
Answer: i did, sort of.
Allow me now to gloat and report to you that Brittany indeed will be undergoing eight to twelve weeks of rehab, starting six weeks from now.
Never doubt me again.
It's always bugged me that proponents of gay marriage repeatedly cite the example of Brittany's 48 hour Vegas marriage in order to denigrate the heterosexual marriage norm. They argue that traditional marriage shouldn't be restricted to only heterosexuals, since people like Brittany have made a mockery of it.
To which, i respond: Didn't you see the MTV Awards? What makes you so sure Brittany's a heterosexual?
Link via Kevin's Wizbang via Rick's Quotes, Thoughts, and other Ramblings.
Meet my newest fan: the American Skankwoman.
Brittany knows what fash-ism is all about. That's why she sports an annika's journal Trucker Hat whenever she hits up the Circle-K for some after-romp Cheetos and a pack of smokes! Nothing says "i'm a foul-mouthed, chain-smoking blonde who loves junk food and sex" quite like an annie's j Trucker Hat!
Wanna be like Brit? Visit my cafepress.com shop. No, don't just visit - Buy something! Get a bunch of stuff for yourself and don't forget, annika's journal merch makes a great gift.
Father's Day is coming up and you know my blog is a big hit with dads. An annika's journal Mug or Trivet would make the perfect gift. It's the least you could do for the guy who paid for all the beer you drank in college. Even if he thought you were spending it on books.
Don't you have a dog? i bet Rover would love playing catch with an annika's journal Flat Round Thing That You Throw. It'll provide good exercise for your puppy - nobody likes a fat dog (except Brittany fans, of course).
Guys, have you run out of gift ideas for the girlfriend? No girl says no to a nulla puella negat Cami. She'll either slap you or kiss you - or possibly both.
Did you miss Mother's day? If you did, you'd better make it up to her right now with a vastly overpriced, but highly artistic Burghers of Calais Abstract Lunchbox. She'll love it so much, she might actually forgive you. Then again maybe not.
i've been away for so long it's hard to get back into the swing of blogging. Mainly, i've been preoccupied with planning for my move back north again. But if there's one subject that is always easy to blog about, it's the American Skankwoman.
Here are some recent news stories, which at first might seem unrelated, but nothing gets past my uncanny ability to analyze and dissect the news:
Brad Pitt quits smoking (i assume he means cigarettes).
Brittany hires a hypnotist, says she wants to quit smoking too.
Brad openly questions monogamy, amidst rumors of trouble in his storybook marriage.
More rumors circulate about Brad and a famously tattooed actress named Angelina.
Brittany decides to get some new tattoos, but the job is hilariously botched.
Suddenly Brad declares that he wouldn't mind a "romp with Brittany."
Around about that time, Brittany exclaims her belief in the power of God! ("Yes! Oh God! Yes!")
Brad takes up cigarettes again.
Hmmmm, interesting. You do the math.
i'm simply embarrassed for him.
Inspired by the Alliance's Filthy Lie Assignment.
i just can't stop updating you on Brittany's antics. She's such an easy target, and there's no shortage of material out there, since her every waking moment is chronicled for all to see. (That is, assuming the level of brainwave activity inside her head ever qualifies as a "waking moment.")
Here's a picture i found, showing what the American Skankwoman likes to read while she's laying out by the pool and sucking down Marlboro Lights.
It's a book called Wheels of a Soul: Reincarnation - Your Life Today and Tomorrow, by Kabbalist Rabbi Philip Berg. It was no doubt recommended by her personal Kabbalah tutor, that very classy Madona lady.
i guess Brittany's born again experience didn't take. Between smooches, Madona probably informed her that Christianity wasn't cool these days.
Fictional dialogue goes as follows:
"Baby, you gotta dump that whole Mel Gibson shit if you wanna be like me. Don't you want to be like me?"
"Of course I do. You know I do. Please help me be more like you."
"Alrighty then. But first let's see if we can't make you a little more like Janet."
Whispering and giggling ensues. Justin's name is mentioned. Some more whispering and giggling.
"Okay Madona, I'll do it! You're so smart."
P.S. By the way, it's just my opinion, but i think reincarnation is complete bullshit.
As i gaze into my crystal ball i can almost see it . . .
If the American Skankwoman continues to balloon at her current rate, and her career continues to nose dive at it's current rate, i see only one path for her.
No, not Vegas . . . think Bayreuth!
Yes, i see Brittany expanding her . . . er . . . repertoire to encompass the grand Ring Cycle!
Brittany as Brünnhilde! It's perfect! Of course she'd need to lip synch it, but that's nothing new for her.
Hojotoho! Hojotoho! Heiaha! Heiaha!Am i right or am i right about this?Hojotoho! Hojotoho! Heiaha! Heiaha! Heiaha!
"Oh annika, why are you so obsessed?" Cuz it's funny that's why.
It's been a while since i posted about Brittany. i recently saw some new concert pictures and the first words that popped into my head were: Hello, welcome to the thunderthighdome, skank.
Here's what she told her promoters about her condition:
I look like a blimp, so do something about it. I need to look perfect -- better than perfect.She's all class, ain't she?
Update: Puleeez! Have these people never heard of Beyonce, Carmen, Halle or Angelina?
Please don't think that i'm turning this into a Brittany Spears bashing site. (It's just that she's such an easy target.) i promise i'll take a break from mentioning her for a while, but i can't not mention this inspired poem by the Big Hominid, about the American Skankwoman.
This appears to be the week for me to blog about nipples, seen or unseen.
Kevin's Wizbang is the place to go for pictures of Janet Jackson's boob and what i now know is a "nipple shield," not a pastie or a piece of tape as some have suggested. That's fucking sick. And i say that as someone with a pierced tongue. Anybody who thought that Janet might be the only normal one in that family . . . think again.
Oh, by the way, i was named Wizbang's Blog of the Day. Thanks Kevin! (Let me know if that PayPal bribe didn't go through.)
And, in reference to my previous nipple related post, where Brant commented that he thought Brittany's nips were lower than normal due to a botched implant job, lookie here. Kin, posting at Jen's has the photographic proof, not only of the American Skankwoman's augmentation, but also of the below the equator orientation of her little nippies. Good work Kin!
Update: Ginger opines on Nip Slippage.
Is it me or is something missing on the skankwoman in this pic? i mean, maybe she doesn't have any, you know what i mean? Which would support my theory that she's really a robot. A dim-witted, bubble headed robot who can't sing.
