Countdown To Kiki

The horror...

VIOLET: Dessert? Here it comes. Blueberry pie and cream!
It's the most marvelous blueberry pie that I've ever tasted!

CHARLIE: Look at her face!

MR. BEAUREGARDE: Holy Toledo, what's happening to your face?

VIOLET: Cool it, Dad! Lemme finish.

MR. BEAUREGARDE: Yeah, but your face is turning blue!
Violet, you're turning violet, Violet!

VIOLET: What are you talking about?

WONKA: I told you I hadn't got it quite right yet.

MR. BEAUREGARDE: You can say that again. Look what it's
done to my kid!

WONKA: It always goes wrong when we come to the dessert.
Always.

MR. BEAUREGARDE: Violet, what are you doing now?!? You're
blowing up!

VIOLET: I feel funny.

GRANDPA JOE: I'm not surprised.

VIOLET: What's happening?

MR. BEAUREGARDE: You're blowing up like a balloon!

WONKA: Like a blueberry.

MR. BEAUREGARDE: Somebody do something! Call a doctor!

MRS. TEEVEE: Stick her with a pin.

CHARLIE: She'll pop!

WONKA: It happens every time! They all become blueberries.

MR. BEAUREGARDE: You've really done it this time, haven't
you, Wonka. I'll break you for this.

WONKA: Oh, well, I'll get it right in the end.

VIOLET: Help! Help!

(Wonka plays the pipe whistle.)

MR. BEAUREGARDE: We've got to let the air out of her, quick!

WONKA: There's no air in there.

MR. BEAUREGARDE: Hmm?

WONKA: That's juice.

MR. BEAUREGARDE: Juice?!?

WONKA: (to an Oompa Loompa) Would you roll the young lady
down to the juicing room at once, please.

MR. BEAUREGARDE: What for?

WONKA: For squeezing. She has to be squeezed immediately
before she explodes.

MR. BEAUREGARDE: Explodes?!?

WONKA: It's a fairly simple operation.

Steve Irwin Is Gone

This is a shocker. Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter just died. Killed by a stingray barb to the chest while filming a show. He made his living taking chances and it finally caught up to him. How sad for Terri.

Now People Think I'm Lindsay

As you know, I did a marginally funny spoof of an e-mail to Lindsay Lohan well over a year ago. I got so many comments from Lindsay fans asking me to put them in touch with her, I had to close the comments. Now I just get tons of emails. It's tapered off to about one a week now.

Here's a new twist, though. Some emailers think I'm Lindsay! Which is inexplicable, especially if they've read even one or two posts of mine. Oh well, it's better than people thinking I'm Ashlee, which would truly be insulting.

From: "[redacted to prevent embarrassment]" [*]@hotmail.co.uk
To: coolconnector20@yahoo.com
Subject: to lindsey.lohan
Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2006 15:00:50 +0000

hiya you dont know me but im one of your fans i always feel sorry 4 you when you get ppl taking pictures of you in the street when u want them 2 leave you alone. I would like 2 be in one of your films later in the years please could you add me email or send an email to me i aint sure if you are lindsey lohan or not if you are dont worry i wont telll any1 your email your in safe hands with me i look abit like you actually lol. i wish i was as pretty as u. ppl always say i do abit. i know alot about you that ive read on internet and makeup books i read.I wish we was m8s i always listen to your music and i think your are a good singer. Ive heard about your dad and i hope everythin goes well if it already has :)

my email addy is [*]@hotmail.co.uk

as i live in the uk lol of course :P

sorry 4 taking your time wish your ok and hope your brother and 11 year old sister is ok well guess shes nearly 12 now :) i want to be a celeb like you but i aint sure where 2 start and i also wants 2 live in america but my
parents moan that i need some1 2 support me as i want 2 live in florida loved all your movies i aint seen herbie yet but the clips i have seen are kool :)

sorry if i am rambling on lol i would like to know your addy so i can talk to you but if u think im a pain following you, then you dont need 2 add my email addy.

nice talking to you lindsey bye bye xxxxxxx

Oscar Preview In A Nutshell

From The American Princess:

Were it not for Hollywood, these people would be serving your food, cleaning your homes and parking your cars, which is a main reason that we give thanks, every year, that someone has the intestinal fortitude to organize a meeting, serve them free booze and award them prizes for going three full months not wearing makeup, and working opposite Billy Bob Thornton.

EM will be liveblogging the Academy Awards tonight at Wizbang Pop, so you might want to turn the sound down and read her while you watch.

Dick Cheney's Hunting Foul

From AP:

. . . Cheney, Whittington and another hunter got out of the vehicle to shoot at a covey of quail.

Whittington shot a bird and went to look for it in the tall grass, while Cheney and the third hunter walked to another spot and discovered a second covey.

Whittington 'came up from behind the vice president and the other hunter and didn't signal them or indicate to them or announce himself,' Armstrong said.

'The vice president didn't see him,' she continued. 'The covey flushed and the vice president picked out a bird and was following it and shot. And by god, Harry was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty good.'

Allow me to be the first blogger to make the "another case of faulty intelligence gone awry" joke.

Aspiring LL Stalker E-mail Of The Week

Yep, i'm still getting emails from LL fans all over the world, based on my humorous post from nine months ago. i don't know what's more absurd, the number of LL fans out there, or the fact that so many of them seem to lack any sense of irony.

Here's the latest one:

Hi, I'm [name redacted] from belgium (so my English isn't good at all but i'm going to try it) I love Lindsay Lohan, she is so beautiful, she is HOT. So my point is : if you got the e-mail, or phone number of Lindsay please give it to me, she is the perfect girl I just want to see her in Real, and I want to be her friend. She is a idol fot every girl, I like her style, the way she dresses her self, everything. You probably think that I'm a freak of her, but not I that way, you know. I'm 16 years old and please say against Lindsay that there is someone in Belgium who's a great fan of her. And maybe if I graduate when I'm 18, my parents said I could study in the USA, to play baseball also because it's my sport, maybe I will be a pro someday and maybe then Lindsay wil meet me ( Maybe), It's my dream to be a pro baseballer, and to have Lindsay as my girlfriend !!, and if that dream ever come true I will be the happiest man of the world I swear, so please introduce me to Lindsay if you ever got her e-mail or phonenumber.

Thanks for listening to me, it means a lot

[name redacted]

How sweet. i hope he gets to be her boyfriend someday, and if he does i hope he's smart enough to do all the driving.

Update: It's not looking good for Belgium dude. This is how LL treats people who are not in her social stratosphere.

This Blog Has Two Audiences

Want a laugh? Go check out the comments to what has become my most popular post ever: "My E-Mail To L!nds@y Loh@n."

Lately, every couple of days someone has been commenting to that post. i guess google searches for L!nds@y have increased since the Herbie movie came out, and my site pops up as the number seven result in a search for the sudden waif's e-mail address.

Most of the people who arrive and comment do not seem to have a clue, and think that i am either L!inds@y herself, or a close friend of hers. It's funny. For instance, this chick thinks L!nds@y is in the habit of giving her phone number out to random strangers:

Dear Lindsay or whoever is reading,
Hey, what's up? I would like to know more about Lindsay Lohan. If anyone know her phone no & e-mail or one of them pls give it to me.If this e-mail reads it lindsasy lohan ,can u give me your phone no & e-mail pls. Thanks . Bye

Strange.

Here's someone who took my satirical post way too seriously.

u honestly think Lindsay would respond to that.. and wat makes u think tht by telling her u noe a cool guy shes gonna care.

Well, my post may have been satire, but i wasn't lying when i said that L!nds@y would totally dig on Ken Wheaton, if she only met him.

My post has become a discussion board of sorts for a totally different audience, most likely international, and very obviously young. i am beginning to worry about the state of English language education in the world, now that i've seen a sampling of what passes for spelling and grammar.

well i thing lindsay is the best actris in the world .and herbie fully loaded is the greatest movoe i ever saw. all the movies of linsay i h ave saw but i just want to know if anybody has her email adress i will be great to have it thanks bye

Crikey! i have to admire anyone with the intestinal fortitude to sit through the entire L!nds@y oeuvre. What fascinating conversations one might have. i imagine they might go like this, for instance:

"i love how the auteur combines editing and cinematography in idiosyncratic ways as a commentary on outmoded concepts of "reality" [here make the "quote" gesture with fingers] utilizing both the explicit and implicit narrative meanings in the film Freaky Friday."

"Oh yes, but the subtlety of The Parent Trap is at once delicious and painful as an expression of ambivalent attitudes toward the ideological issue of violence, drawing upon conventions of cinematic realism to characterize the plot structure and mise-en-scene exposition of theme and characters."

"Exactly. I wept."

But most of the comments contain the same question: "How can i get in touch with L!nds@y?" Since i have been silent on the matter, as i can't answer that question, other commenters have offered their advice.

I have several adresses thay all clame to be lindsays I emailed her about amillion times I have mary kate and ashleys but who knows if they are real.

Now there's a question i can answer. They are not real. All four are fake. And spectacular, from what i hear.

Tom's Lost It

Somebody give the man some Prozac.

More at Wizbang.

[Also, i linked to Beth. Because she said i could.]

Liveblogging The Bug-Eyed Bride Interview (With Casca)

And for the record, letting somebody think somebody they love is dead, when they're not, is quite cruel.

―Kill Bill, Vol. 2

In what was most likely a really bad idea, i decided to ask Casca to help me live-blog the Jennifer Wilbanks interview that aired last night with Kiki Kouric on NBC.

But i'll be damned if i'm going to waste an hour of my life (and Casca's) live-blogging that shit and not post about the stupid thing.

You've probably already heard the main sound bite from the show. The bride took a bottle of pills on the bus with her, but decided "not to play God." Someone needs to tell John Mason that any girl who considered killing herself rather than marrying him, may not be "the one." Cut your losses dude.

Anyway, here's some excerpts from my IM critique with Casca:

Immediately, the conversation focused on physical appearances.

annikagyrl: the bug-eye is not that hott
Casca: she's hideous, and crazier than most. who could sleep next to that? i'd be waiting for the knife in the chest
annikagyrl: yah, she's another lorena bobbit waiting to happen, no doubt
Casca: OMG, what an ugly child
annikagyrl: john mason's no looker either
Casca: "well hell, you KNEW she was nutz"
annikagyrl: he looks like a georgia bulldog
annikagyrl: that's twice he's made that "huuuuh" noise, what a doofus
Casca: his haircut is gay
annikagyrl: nice page boy haircut, doofbag
Casca: he's a vulcan. did you see that ear?
annikagyrl: she looks romulan to me, too
Casca: lol. her face is fucked up
annikagyrl: yah its asymmetrical
Casca: she's gonna be damned ugly in ten years
annikagyrl: hahaah! if i was kiki, i'd ask her how her face got all bent
annikagyrl: HE IS A VULCAN look at those ibrows
Casca: definitely Spock's bastard child
annikagyrl: or he's a hobbit, a tall one
Casca: look at that bizarre skin on the side of her face
annikagyrl: what is that ?

Kiki gets up close and personal, with a sappy background piece on the bride.

annikagyrl: "an idyllic southern upbringing" lol
annikagyrl: i'm waiting for the incest joke, casca
Casca: i'll bet she DOES kiss daddy on the lips
annikagyrl: haha there it is, "she still kisses her dad on the lips!!!!"
annikagyrl: hahaaha
Casca: with tongue and everything!
annikagyrl: "she alternated between mommy and daddy on the weekends.....!"
annikagyrl: lolololool
annikagyrl: noooooooooo

Next i begin cracking on Kiki.

annikagyrl: they call it "A Katie Couric Special"
annikagyrl: gowd, i hate kiki
annikagyrl: i wonder when kiki and al roker are going to go public with their illicit affair?
Casca: Al's too nice of a guy to wallow with that skank

The groom reveals that he was indeed a partyer in his younger days. Casca and i were skeptical.

annikagyrl: hahahaha
annikagyrl: he was wild???
Casca: party animal and virgin
Casca: doesn't really mix
annikagyrl: haha. he's like "Lee Harvey... when you stole that cow... and your friends tried to make it with the cow?"
Casca: yeah
annikagyrl: "i wanna party with you cowboy!"

The groom says that the two of them decided to save themselves for their wedding night. Again, we were skeptical.

Casca: well, premarital sex was out of the question for one of them
annikagyrl: it was out of the question cuz her dance card was full, with all her other fuckbuddies
Casca: sadly close to the truth

Then a shocking revelation. They had planned a dry wedding!

Casca: OMG
Casca: a DRY wedding?
Casca: i'd rather be neutered
annikagyrl: there is no such thing as a dry wedding, you of all people should know that
Casca: good point
annikagyrl: lol, i went to a dry wedding once
annikagyrl: i still got plastered, that's what purses are for

Boredom began to set in, and the conversation strayed.

annikagyrl: i had an excellent bowl of top ramen tonight for dinner
annikagyrl: the secret is teriyaki sauce
annikagyrl: and lots of pepper
annikagyrl: and veg-all if you got it
Casca: i ate a seven bone roast
Casca: and baked beans
Casca: had to take a break in the middle
Casca: whew
annikagyrl: mmmm
annikagyrl: baked beans
annikagyrl: did i mention that i hate kiki kouric?

Kiki Kouric managed to do a whole hour without adding any new information to this already tired story, sending me into a frenzy of Kiki hatred.

annikagyrl: it was a life or death decision for her?
Casca: yeah
annikagyrl: okay kiki, now ask her the "why" question...
annikagyrl: kiki you suck
annikagyrl: kiki shure can draw out a half hour show into a full fucking waste of an hour can't she?
annikagyrl: fucckckckckc Kiki, do you have to ask the same question twice?! oh she is so annoying
annikagyrl: Howard Stern should be doing this interview
Casca: OH YES! that would be genius
annikagyrl: she denies reports that she was headed there to see an old boyfriend, and kiki doesn't challenge her on that denial
annikagyrl: what a fucking loser, kiki you suck
annikagyrl: shit, kiki, don't fucking ask any question that anyone might care about the fucking answer to, nooo don't do that...
annikagyrl: she won't answer the "why" question
annikagyrl: she won't say why she slandered a whole ethnicity. what good is this fucking intvw?
Casca: it's all about feelings
annikagyrl: i'm going to strangle Kiki
Casca: nothing more than feelings
annikagyrl: kiki, you fucking suck, ask a fucking question you bitch
Casca: feelings of loooooove
annikagyrl: kiki has failed on all accounts, she hasnt asked anything that might elicit new information, and she hasn't made the bug-eye look more sympathetic
Casca: feeeeeeelings
annikagyrl: it's all tripe
Casca: woooohhhhooohh feeeeeelings
annikagyrl: i'm going to strangle you Casca

Actually, the big news of the interview was the revelation that while the groom still wants to get married, the bride is still reluctant.

annikagyrl: oh, so they aren't still engaged, or what?
Casca: they're not getting married
annikagyrl: ohhhhhhoaho, she's the one who's still holding back. did you catch that?
Casca: yeah
annikagyrl: and she's the one who says, "I'm not sure I'm the right woman for him." that's the oldest excuse in the book: "it's not you, it's me..."
Casca: well, even if she doesnt' marry him
Casca: she still gets to keep the moolah
annikagyrl: bug-eye is loving this attention, she is a selfish narcissist

Apparently, the wedding gifts are stashed away someplace, even though there's no new wedding date.

annikagyrl: You are kidding me, they haven't given back the gifts?
Casca: nope
annikagyrl: that's fraud!
Casca: actually, would you want your gift back?
annikagyrl: yes i would want it back, because i usually only give gifts of things that i secretly want for myself
Casca: lol

Well, that's about it.

i apologize to you, gentle visitor, and to Casca for making him watch that piece of shit. My sincere hope for all of us is that this blog post will be the last time we'll ever have to hear about that stupid runaway bride.

Twisted Trivia

Don't ask me how i came up with this one. It's too bizarre.

Match the celebrity lip defect to the correct lip quadrant on the diagram.

a. Elvis' sneer.

b. Stacy Keach's harelip.

c. Dick Cheney's halliburtonlip.

d. Greta Van Susternernen's plastic surgery leftover.

extra credit: What's up with Tina Fey's cheek?

Good luck. There will be no prize.