Invasion Blogging

Swamp fishing for a giant golden spermatozoon?

i gave this show its one chance, and it failed miserably.

Apprentice Blogging

Is it me, or does Zenthrura sound like the stupidest fucking idea for a movie you've ever heard?

And it got made?! My rabbits in space idea is like ten times better.

My New Least Favorite Commercial

Ameriprise Financial.

Oooh look at the old hippie-turned-yuppie. He still surfs and drives a VW bus. Groovy.

Buncha freakin clueless narcissistic hypocrites. i guess they don't want my business.

Update: Am i alone? i don't think so. Here's another.

The Colbert Report

First episode: strong.

Second episode: inspired.

The Next George Lazenby?

The rumor now is that Daniel Craig may be the next James Bond. i thought Pierce Brosnan had a few more movies left in him, but what do i know. Daniel Craig is not someone whose name i recognize and in this article he appears blonde. IMDb says he played Ted Hughes in Sylvia, that depressing Sylvia Plath biography with Gwynneth Paltrow. i thought he was good in that role, and Hughes being such a controversial figure he must have had to walk a fine line. Craig was also in the first Tomb Raider, but i can't remember his character.

i say again, what was wrong with Pierce Brosnan?

Netflix 5 Star Movies A to C

One of the cool things about Netflix is a feature that lets you rate movies on a scale of one to five stars. Their computer makes recommendations for future rentals a member might like, based on the member’s ratings. i don’t find the recommendations very helpful, but i do like rating things.

Five stars means “I loved it.” i reserve five stars for movies i love that are generally considered classics, or which deserve to be classics; also for movies that i don’t mind seeing again and again or from which i have memorized much of the dialogue.

A fine example of my thinking on five star movies is my list of such movies from A to C in alphabetical order. i just copied and pasted the list from my Netflix page, so you will notice that there are some TV shows in there, which are not technically movies, but otherwise fit my criteria.

12 Angry Men (1957)
24: Season 1 (2001)
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994)
Airplane! (1980)
All About Eve (1950)
Annie Hall (1977)
The Apartment (1960)
Apollo 13 (1995)
Arthur (1981)
Austin Powers 1 (1997)
Austin Powers 2 (1999)
Back to the Future (1985)
Band of Brothers (2001)
Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
Black Hawk Down (2001)
Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961)
Bullitt (1968)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
Caddyshack (1980)
Captain Blood (1935)
Casablanca (1942)
Charley Varrick (1973)
A Clockwork Orange (1971)
Cold Mountain (2003)
Cool Hand Luke (1967)

The Netflix rating thing is an ongoing project, so don’t be surprised if there are some omissions from my list. It might mean that the movie didn’t come up as i was going through the recommendations (which i often did when i was bored at work) and clicking on the star ratings.

Update: There's an interesting discussion going on in the comments about whether my 5 star list contains more guy movies or chick movies. First of all, let me admit that my tastes have always included guy things, from sports movies to war movies to historical movies and sci-fi. But i think it's a mistake to say that movies which are obviously marketed towards the male audience do not appeal to women just as much.

If i had to guess, i would say i know more chicks than guys who watch 24 religiously. And comedies like Airplane, and the Ace Ventura and Austin Powers movies can't be categorized. i think both sexes enjoy them equally.

Additionally, i would look askance at any guy who could not appreciate The Apartment or Breakfast At Tiffany's. And All About Eve is just so darn good that every male should be forced to watch it for his own cultural enrichment.

Apprentice Blogging

Apprentice blogging will get me through this slump.

Repeat.

Apprentice blogging will get me through this slump.

So i saw the premier of Martha Stewart's Apprentice last night and it was...

Oh wait. Dawn did that already. Aw hell, just go read hers.

Best line of course was at the end when Martha tells the firee that he didn't fail, he just "didn't fully succeed." i'll have to remember that one.

Dear Father,

i regret to tell you that i'll be moving home again on account of they kicked me out of law school. Something about spending less time on the internet and more time reading cases or something like that. Anyways, the good news is i didn't fail, i just didn't fully succeed.

cordially,
a

Graphic Novel Idea

i've been working on an idea for the next Great American Graphic Novel, to be written, drawn, inked and lettered by me. i suck at drawing, so that might be a problem, but i can ink, i think. My lettering skills are inconsistent, but hey, that's what they invented Comic Sans for, right?

This Great American Graphic Novel, or G.A.G.N. let's call it, will be aimed at the adult market. i plan to include lots of four letter words, sex, gratuitous violence, and women with bullet shaped titties. i'm still undecided on a title. So far, i have a couple of possibilities.

Death Marcher
Death Takes a Powder
Deadly Sin
The Deadliest Sin
Deadzine
Death-o-rama
Death in WiFi
A Dumass Way to Die
Death is for Dumasses
Kill Me Deadlily
Bicycle of Death
Mr. Killee, Killer of Genius
Hit Parade of Death
Death on a Shingle
The Dead Have No Eyeballs
Sugar Deadly
Color Me Die
Wacky Train to Deathville
The Murderer Who Liked to Kill People
Demarcation of Death
Demarcation of Death II, The Awakening
The Stoogemaster
Traffic Circle of Death
A Fine Way to Die, Wally
Dying is an Ugly Business
The Death Tram
The Death Pram
Only 45 Minutes to Deadway
More Death's A-Killin'
Take A Memo, Death
Why Do the Dead Always Die?
A Fun Time for Dying
Do We Die Now?
Did We Die Yet?
Fuck, I'm Dead!
Murder at the Circle K
Even Killers Get the Blues
Only Killers Get the Blues
Why Do Killers Get the Blues?
18" Rims of Death
For Death's Sake
The Drama Club Murders
A Dharma Death
Murder by Fiddlesticks
Deathslope
Deathslide
Deathramp
Doing a Death Right
Killer of the Dead
Killer of the Dead II, The Awakening
North Dallas Deadly, A Sports Thriller
The Killer Who Left the Toilet Seat Up
Deadly Games the Dead Play
Core of Death
The Semantics of Murder
Cubicle of the Dead
Cuticle of the Dead
The Chronic Killer
'Tis a Far Better Death
It Slices, It Dices, It Dies
Death Knoll
Death Knell

i particularly like Death Knell, but i want to save it for a mass market paperback idea i have. i'll change the name to Death Nell, and the story will involve a kick-ass girl crime scene investigator/hooker named Nell, who is also a vampire hunter. Or maybe she'll be a vampire herself, who knows. i still need to do the market research on that.

But getting back to my graphic novel idea. The working title for my G.A.G.N. is currently Statute of Limitations, which has a nice ring to it. i haven't plotted the whole story out yet, but i have the basic outline in mind. It's about a family of rabbits in space. They go around having adventures and helping people.

i also have a cover design. Wanna see it? Here it is.

Don't steal my idea.

After Seinfeld

Are Wednesdays on ABC the best hope for a return of "Must-See TV?"

Reflections On A '95 St. Supery Cab

i'm no wine expert, but i'll give it a try. i emailed Pursuit, who is the unofficial sommelier of annika's journal, and asked him if it was time to drink that $12 bottle of '95 St. Supery Cabernet i'd been holding onto. He responded thusly:

I'd suggest that you drink it pretty soon.

I hope you've kept it on its side

and in a reasonably cool place.

While some reds can be great beyond ten years, my guess is the St Supery is probably in its sweet spot now.

(If you're ever in Napa, i recommend the St. Supery winery tour. Very informative.)

As for the '95, i liked it. Almost rust in color, plum and berry predominates, and there was no trace of tannin. A hint of oak [i have no idea what i'm talking about, btw] and big but not overly complex. All in all, a good $12 investment.

Tasted good tooo.

Update: Although i have no idea what a tannin is, this pro seemed to agree with me that the '95 didn't have any.

See, i'm Not The Only Girl Sinatra Fan

So is Robyn, of North American Patriot. Here's a great tribute.

Jazz CD Recommendation

i don't know if any of you take my advice on music, but here's one anyway. Dizzy Gillespie's 1959 recording, Have Trumpet, Will Excite.

i love Dizzy. i'm going to name my son after him. "Not "Dizzy," but "John Birks." How does "John Birks Rodriguez" sound?

The personnel on this record are not well known to me, but they sound great together. i'm especially impressed by the piano player Junior Mance. Check out the first tune for some great piano work.

The second tune, "My Man," is fun with its long moody intro, which leads to a bouncy piece that references two other unlikely classics "O Solo Mio" and "Moten Swing." Dizzy's great sense of humor is on display in this one.

"Moonglow" is a standard, and here it features a long swinging flute solo by Les Spann. On "St. Louis Blues," Spann switches to jazz guitar for another uptempo solo.

"Woody 'n' You" is a Gillespie written tune that always swings no matter who does it, even more so when the author is blowing. High note fans, like myself, should be happy with the man's solo.

"Wrap Your Troubles In Dreams" is another standard, with Dizzy blowing a muted trumpet up and down the scales. It's also the longest song at 7:13.

The next song is "There Is No Greater Love." The title sounds like something Coltrane might have written during his religious years, so i checked the liner notes. But no, it was written by Isham Jones, an old bandleader from the 20's and 30's, who should win the award for "white musician with the most black sounding name." Dizzy's version is a romantic tempo song that's probably the best thing on this CD.

The rest of the CD is three more alternate takes of "No Greater Love" and two alternate takes of "I Found A Million Dollar Baby In A Five And Ten Cent Store." i don't know why Verve does this. It's not like you're getting more music, since the alternate takes don't sound any different to my ear.

But if you're into jazz at all, take my advice, this is a pretty decent CD.

Quick And Dirty Tom Yam Gong

Fans of Thai cuisine know what i'm talking about. If you get the urge for some spicy Thai shrimp soup, but don't want to leave the house, here's what you do. And it only costs pennies.

You need the following items:

Top Ramen Picante Shrimp flavor
can 'o' shrimp
1 teaspoon fresh milled black pepper
half a can of generic brand veg-all
half a can 'o' mushrooms
Soy Vay Island Teriyaki sauce, maybe 3 tablespoons or more
dash of chilli powder, Durkee seasoning or Mrs. Dash
lime juice if you got it, but who has lime juice?

Alright, don't be tellin' me this is not real Tom Yam Gong. i know that. The real shit has lemon grass and big shrimp and those really really hot peppers and is served over a little flame to keep it simmering. i love it when it's so hot it makes you cough. My recipe is fake Tom Yam Gong with noodles, but it can hold you over when you're real poor or real lazy.

Don't skimp on the Ramen flavor, that's essential. It must be Nissin's Picante Shrimp. Also, i wouldn't substitute any other brand of Teriyaki sauce, but that's me. i love Soy Vay's stuff and use it all the time in lots of recipes.

i favor Durkee seasoning and Mrs. Dash instead of Lawry's or other season salts because there's less sodium. Mrs. Dash is especially good on any Asian style soup, i think.

So anyways, the construction of this quick and dirty recipe is simple. Boil 2 cups water, add the noodles, and cook uncovered for three minutes. When that's done, turn off the heat and add everything else. Let it sit covered for a few minutes to heat everything through. Or, you can simmer a little bit longer, but that tends to overcook the noodles.

Enjoy with a beer.

Dukes Of Hazzard Review

i didn't want to add to any of the Dukes Of Hazzard hype that's been going on, but i have to link to the San Francisco Chronicle's review. It may be the funniest review ever, certainly the most scathing movie review i've ever seen.

There are routine movies and others that blaze a trail. There are routine bad movies and others so horrendous that they redefine bad, that make us look up synonyms for agonizing and abysmal and then gnash our teeth because the language has not kept pace with the decline of film. There are even movies that are so blazingly rotten that they can redefine past experiences and make us look back on recent weak efforts like 'Stealth' or 'Fantastic Four' and think, 'Ooh, that was fascinating.'

'The Dukes of Hazzard' is hardly some routine bad movie. Rather, it's one of the elite, right up there with 'I Am Curious ... Yellow' (1967) and Bo Derek's 'Ghosts Can't Do It' (1990), in stiff competition for the lamest thing ever put on celluloid. Of course, that makes it, by default, the worst film so far of the 21st century, but to say that does little to acknowledge the ambition behind this project. Make no mistake, director Jay Chandrasekhar was swinging for the fences with this one. He was shooting for the millennium.

The movie establishes, with startling economy, that it's about two imbeciles. In a sleepy rural county, a red car comes blazing down a country road, careening and swerving, while the two morons in the front seats yell 'Woo-ooo!' and 'Yee-haaa!' These are Bo (Seann William Scott) and Luke Duke (Johnny Knoxville), the loudest, laughingest, hell-raisingest pair of single- celled organisms ever to get a Georgia driver's license.

Cornet Chop Suey

Today is Louis Armstrong's birthday.

Don't forget to listen to a Louis Armstrong song today.

American Beauty vs. The Ice Storm

American Beauty and The Ice Storm are essentially the same movie. Through the magic of the Netflix queue, i saw them both on subsequent nights.

Both are about dysfunctional families, mid-life crisis, sexual restlessness, infidelity, teen experimentation, and the secret underbelly of suburban life.

The difference is that one sucked and one was a pretty decent movie. Unfortunately, the Academy bestowed its Best Picture award on the one that sucked. Shows you that the Academy Awards are a joke.

A big reason for the difference was that one movie was about its subject matter, while the other was a thinly veiled political statement in which the subject matter was only a setup for the filmmaker's liberal punch-line.

Ang Lee treated his characters with gentle compassion. The other director had a huge chip on his shoulder against every character except one. American Beauty was the product of a bitter, angry, small mind. If you want my advice, pass it up and rent The Ice Storm.

Update: Perhaps i should be more specific about my objections, since it never occurred to me that anyone would disagree with my opinions on any subject [insert winking smilie here], especially someone whose opinions i respect as much as Professor Schwyzer.

It seems to me that the central villain of American Beauty is the one dimensional homophobe character, and i was a little taken aback by the over-the-top stereotype, which the writer employed to get his point across. The character of Colonel Frank Fitts, United States Marine Corps seems intended as an insult directed solely at conservatives. Here's a caricature with a crew-cut, who speaks with a southern accent, is obviously a Republican, a retired marine, an abusive husband, probably a batterer who beats up his drug dealer son and requires a monthly piss test from him. He's also a closet Nazi. But the big punch-line i alluded to — the "Crying Game moment" if you will — is when the villain, in a fit of emotion, kisses the Kevin Spacey character. The filmmaker's message to the audience is clear: all conservatives are homophobes and all homophobes are repressed homosexuals.

While i admit that some homophobes probably are repressed homosexuals (J. Edgar Hoover, and at least one of Matthew Shepard's killers for example), i have a hard time with a movie whose intent is so obviously to smear the military and conservatives the way American Beauty did. i'm very sensitive to political statements which are designed to insult not persuade, and which are disguised as art. Some have called me too sensitive, but it's no secret that liberal Hollywood filmmakers are often motivated by their hatred of Republicans. Witness this quote from an interview with Jay Chandrasekhar, who directed this year's remake movie, The Dukes of Hazzard:

You know, I’m a very liberal-minded person and I like to tweak Republicans whenever possible.

This Day In Military History

Today is the 141st anniversary of the Battle of the Crater. If you don't know what that is, i suggest renting Cold Mountain tonight. i love that movie.

Anyways, the Battle of the Crater was one of the craziest episodes of the Civil War. It was an idea that should have worked in theory, but in execution was fucked up from start to finish. If you think of all the Federal blunders committed during the Civil War, it's a wonder we're not two countries today. But we stuck it out, thanks to a man named Abraham Lincoln, whose resolve did not waver despite innumerable setbacks and intense opposition to the war.

Speaking of Civil War films, one movie that i saw recently, which doesn't get enough credit as a fabulous CW movie, is The Horse Soldiers from 1959. It was directed by John Ford, and starred John Wayne and Bill Holden. i think that's all you'd need to know in order to go rent it ASAP.

Over There

If you, like me, were impressed by tonight's premier of FX's Over There, there's one thing we should both remember. Forty Americans died and 426 were wounded, most of them seriously, in the real life "over there" this month. Actors get paid big bucks and go on talk shows when their work day is through. While those who have volunteered to protect you and me in Iraq and Afghanistan don't get that kind of fame or money, but their sacrifices are real.

i hope the show stays centered on the American experience. i was happy to see that they did not try, at least in tonight's episode, to put a human face on the enemy or tell "their side." Let Ted Koppel and his buddies at Al Jazeera do that; there's enough relativism in the media as it is. i also did not detect any overt political messages, either right or left.

i imagine some observers might be upset that not every character was Tom Hanks. i don't mind that kind of realism in war movies. As a war movie fan, i like the Adam Baldwins and Nick Noltes the best. These are the complex characters who may seem like assholes with less than honorable motivations, but they get shit done. i bet there are lots of them in real life and thank God for it.

i'm also not bothered by Over There's portrayal of soldiers complaining about the Army. i'm not a veteran -- and i know that many of my visitors are, so correct me if i'm wrong -- but soldiers always gripe about the military. And there's always some incompetence and poor decision-making in any organization. Hell, does everything run smoothly at your job? It doesn't at my job, that's for sure. People who point to mistakes made in wartime as a reason to surrender are simply people who don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

So overall, i thought tonight's episode was pretty good, and i would say that if the rest of the series follows the same tone it should help our war effort. Which is more than i can say about anything else i see on tv that's war related.

[cross-posted at A Western Heart]
_______________

* If you're interested, you can read about the latest disgusting media attempt to demonize an American soldier here. Also, you might be interested to know that a soldier who used a dog to frighten some detainees might spend more time in jail than the convicted LAX Millenium bomber.

The Kick-Ass Movie Assassins Runoff: Round Two Results

With 99 votes in, i'm calling round two of the Kick-Ass Movie Assassins Runoff for Beatrix Kiddo. As you recall, i asked you to vote on the following question:

If Lara Croft and Beatrix Kiddo were each given orders to kill each other, who would win?

The early voting was very close with Lara Croft and Beatrix running neck and neck until about fifty votes were in. Then Beatrix pulled away and kept a substantial lead until the end. As of this writing Lara Croft had 37% to Beatrix Kiddo's 63%.

For me, the choice was easy, and not just because Kill Bill vol. 2 is perhaps the best movie i've seen since L.A. Confidential. Beatrix Kiddo was totally fearless. She survived getting shot in the head and being buried alive. Only a couple months after waking up from a four year coma, she defeated the entire Crazy 88's bodyguard with just a samurai sword, then dispatched a well rested O-Ren Ishii. She may be the only person in the world who knows the secret five-point exploding heart technique.

By contrast, the only thing Lara Croft could make explode was a pair of nipples through a quarter inch of neoprene. There's a scene in The Cradle Of Life where she's pointing a big gun at the bad guy and her hand was shaking! Some bad-ass. Black Mamba wouldn't give her a second thought.

Next up, for Round Three i've chosen an obvious match-up: Maggie from Point Of No Return vs. Nikita from La Femme Nikita (The Luc Besson film, not the tv show). This should be a good fight. So scroll down and vote!

And while you're at it, do check out my friend Matt's Baddest-Ass Post-Apocalyptic Movie Hero Tournament. Round One is Max from the Mad Max series vs. Reese from The Terminator.

P.S. Click here to see my Round One results: Jason Bourne vs. Jack Bauer.

Them's Fighting Words...

Tony Pierce on Jack Kerouac:

first of all if i get called a hipster again im going to move out of los feliz. i dont drink coffee i dont wear man purses, yes im intentionally bald but only because the girls love it. i dont wear white belts. ive worn the same pair of shoes every day for three years. i dont listen to my bloody valentine radiohead coldplay or sleater kinney outside of bars talking about new order. fuck mac fuck jamba juice fuck coffee bean and fuck the nu art. fuck cinespace fuck silverlake fuck vice fuck piercings fuck the return of cocaine and fuck vinyl.

so definately fuck jack fucking kerouac

the pretty facade of the beats. who didnt have the genius of ginsberg, the creativity of ferlinghetti, or the muscle of burroughs.

simply put keourac is the simple plan of pop, hes the costas of broadcasting, hes the jay leno of late night. popular but empty. soft and spineless.

every time that someone compares on the road to huck finn mark twain gets to travel to hell and poke jack kerouac in the fucking eye.

his stories arent sexy theyre not funny theyre not enlightening theyre not innovative and history has not been kind to him.

howl alone dwarfs the entire kerouac catalogue, justly, and hollywood has yet to fully exploit burroughs, so wheres that leave your boy? in history books solely. one hit wonder. lucky to be there. neal cassadys buddy. period.

charles bukowski singlehandedly could take on a army of jack kerouacs, and he provided likeable characters. when you put all your eggs in one basket, that of making yourself the main character, you better hope that people will like you and will be rooting for you. sal paradise? give me henry chinaski and an ugly girl.

i read On The Road years ago and for a few weeks it almost changed my life. Almost. i love Bukowski, but he never had that effect on me. Still, Kerouac never made me laugh like Buk can. i didn't know which side to take in this controversy until i read this:

on the road makes me so happy that i was not on the road with jack kerouac. i first read it when i was riding couchettes through europe as i was turning 21. it was a gift because thats what people give twenty year olds as they head across the pond for the first time. alone.

the second time i read it aloud to prisoners at gitmo who then flushed themselves down the toilet.

people read jack keroac because theyve never read william carlos williams's white mule or hems garden of eden.

its the same reason they listened to pearl jam.

The Kick-Ass Movie Assassins Runoff: Round One Results

A week or so ago, i asked this provocative question in my rotating poll: "If Jason Bourne and Jack Bauer were each given orders to kill each other, who would win?"

The results are in. You decided, with 76% of the vote, that Jason Bourne would kill Jack Bauer.

Much as i love Jack Bauer, i'd have to add my vote to the 76%. Jason Bourne kicks ass!

One thing about Jason Bourne, and i haven't read the Ludlum books so i'm only relying on the Matt Damon portrayal here, but he is freakin' deadly all by himself. Without the aid of a memory, or any organizational backup at all, he was able to alternately hide from, or escape from the clutches of, any government's intelligence or police apparatus, including about a half dozen of the world's best assassins sent to get him. Plus he's a hell of a nice guy.

The trouble with Jack Bauer is that he is nothing without CTU. And CTU is unreliable at best. Look what happened last year. In twenty-four hours CTU managed to allow someone to take over all the U.S. nuclear power plants by remote control, resulting in a nuclear meltdown and thousands of deaths, someone then stole an F-117 stealth fighter and shot down Air Force One, probably killing the president.*

Poor Jack Bauer. Without his little palm pilot he's pretty much useless. Unfortunately, that palm pilot links him to CTU, which as Dawn Summers once pointed out, "has more leaks than the Nixon White House."

Jack has his strengths, to be sure. He doesn't quit, and he doesn't shy away from doing what has to be done. Like, for instance, shooting his boss in the leg or in the head, or killing his girlfriend's husband for "national security" reasons, wink-wink. Too bad Audrey Heller couldn't see that he is actually a pretty nice guy, too. Whatta picky bitch.

But the key reason i think Jason Bourne would win this round is that he's so damn fast. And when he fights, he attacks. It's like three punches and three guys go down in one second. i've never seen Jack fight like that, although maybe he hasn't had the opportunity. Next season, when Jack's flying solo, we might get to see what he can do without CTU, so i'm looking forward to that.

Next up: Beatrix Kiddo vs. Lara Croft (not technically an assassin but what the heck.) So go vote.
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* i'm still not clear on that. Did the president die or not?

The Big Sleep, Great Lines

Sheila posted about The Big Sleep last month, and raved about it. i was always put off by the movie, although i love Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Bacall and Raymond Chandler. It was the fact that i couldn't follow the plot that bugged me. But even the writers, including William Faulkner and Chandler himself, couldn't figure out what was going on.

So when it came on TCM yesterday afternoon, i gave myself permission to watch it without trying to understand the story and just enjoy the great film noir dialogue. Like this:

MARS
(threateningly)
Just a minute. The girl can go. I'd like to talk to you...

MARLOWE (Bogart)
Suppose I don't wanna talk to you.

MARS
I've got two boys outside in the car.

MARLOWE
Oh. It's like that, eh. Mm-hum. Run along, angel.

MARS
Your story didn't sound quite right.

MARLOWE
Oh, that's too bad. You've got a better one?

MARS
Maybe I can find one.
(looks under the rug.)
Blood. Quite a lot of blood.

MARLOWE
Is that so?

MARS
(pulls out a gun.)
You mind?

MARLOWE
No. I'm used to it.

. . .

MARS
Convenient. The door being open when you didn't have a key.

MARLOWE
Yeah. Wasn't it? By the way, how did you happen to have one?

MARS
Is that any of your business?

MARLOWE
I could make it my business.

MARS
And I could make your business mine.

MARLOWE
You wouldn't like it. The pay's too small.

MARS
I think you'd better get out here.

MARLOWE
Oh, by the way, how's Mrs. Mars these days?

MARS
You take chances, Marlowe.

MARLOWE
I get paid to.

MARLOWE
You alone, Joe?

BRODY
(pulls out a gun.)
Yeah. Except for this.

MARLOWE
My, my, my. Such a lot of guns around town, and so few brains. You know, you're the second guy I've met today who seems to think a gat in the hand means the world by the tail. Put it down, Joe.

When Bogey and Bacall were on screen together, in The Big Sleep, Key Largo, To Have and Have Not and Dark Passage they were doubly riveting. Everybody knows the "you know how to whistle" scene from To Have and Have Not (one of the greatest scenes in movie history), but this dialogue from The Big Sleep is just as electric:

VIVIAN (Bacall)
I'm very grateful to you, Mr. Marlowe. I'm very glad it's all over. Tell me, uh, what do you usually do when you're not working?

MARLOWE
Mm. Play the horses, fool around.

VIVIAN
No women?

MARLOWE
Well, I'm generally working on something most of the time.

VIVIAN
Would that be stressed to include me?

MARLOWE
I like you. I told you that before.

VIVIAN
I liked hearing you say it.

MARLOWE
Mm.

VIVIAN
But you didn't do much about it.

MARLOWE
Neither did you.

VIVIAN
Well, speaking of horses, I like to play them myself. But I'd like to see them work out a little first to see if they are front runners or come from behind, find out what the whole card is, what makes them run.

MARLOWE
Find out mine?

VIVIAN
I think so.

MARLOWE
Go ahead.

VIVIAN
I'd say you don't like to be rated. You'd like to get out in front, open up a lead, take a little breather in the backstretch and, and come home free.

MARLOWE
You don't like to be rated yourself.

VIVIAN
I haven't met anyone yet who could do it. Any suggestions?

MARLOWE
Well, I can't tell 'til I've seen you over distance of ground. You got a touch of class but... I don't know, how far you can go?

VIVIAN
That depends on who's on the saddle, Marlowe. I like the way you work. In case you don't know, you're doing all right.

MARLOWE
There's one thing I can't figure out.

VIVIAN
What makes me run?

MARLOWE
Uh huh.

VIVIAN
I'll give you a little hint. Sugar won't work. It's been tried.

Sucky CD Giveaway

i'm trying to clean out some stuff this afternoon and i found these in my closet. An old beau left them with me years ago. i hate throwing shit like this away. i could sell them on eBay, but that seems like a lot of trouble. So if anyone wants these six sucky CDs, i'll give them to you for free.

They are Chris Isaak's Heart Shaped World; The Lightning Seeds' Cloudcuckooland; k.d. lang's Ingénue; Sweet's The Best of Sweet; Roy Orbison's Mystery Girl; and Springsteen's Lucky Town. An eclectic mix.

Let me know if you want them by clicking here. Too late. We have a winner!

My Donnie Darko, The Director's Cut Review

A pithy and/or lame movie review.

Okay, somebody wanna explain that shit to me?

So he went back in time? i don't get it. How did he go back in time?

This movie is a bizarre cross between The Shining, Ordinary People and Harvey. Plus, it's a comedy.

Set in the eighties, it features a really cool soundtrack. Tears for Fears, INXS, Duran Duran, Joy Division and Echo and the Bunnymen, who are especially appropriate, since the key figure in this movie is a guy in a grotesque bunny suit.

i think i have identified a new movie genre, the "nostalgic suburban period movie." Add this film to the list that includes The Virgin Suicides and Dazed and Confused.

i can't watch the mom without thinking "kickinggggg bird."

Set design was very good. All the details were there. My family had the same antique Sony Trinitron.

If you were to take a poll of bloggers, i imagine this movie would be most popular with self absorbed LiveJournal types. You know, the type of kids who dress in black and think they're artistic and unique because they write free verse poems about death that sound exactly the same as all the other free verse poems about death written by all the other kids who dress in black and think they're artistic and unique.

In other words, i would have loved this movie when i was in high school.

Stylish enough to earn three Netflix stars from me, but ultimately frustrating. i know i might understand it better if i watched it again, but i just didn't like it enough to go through the extra effort.

My I ♥ Huckabees Review

A pithy and/or lame movie review.

Sucked.

Shockingly bad, on so many levels.

Earns the rarely given Netflix one star rating ("hated it.")

Self-satisfied, pretentious new age bull-shit.

Less fun than repeatedly hitting yourself in the nose with a large rubber ball.

A comedy that thinks it's about philosophy, or a philosophical movie that thinks it's a comedy. Whatever, it fails either way.

Not a single likeable character.

For a movie that's supposed to appeal to the narrow demographic of touchy-feely new-agey politically-correct elitist guru-gropin' dolly-llama-lovin' tree-huggin' liberal fuckturds, the main characters sure are an unpleasant passive-agressive lot with major anger management issues.

Far and away the worst entry in last year's Jude Law trifecta.

This shit-fest places its liberal point of view front-and-center. Yet the only persons of color are a tall skinny African, who has about five lines, and two black security guards. Can we say stereotype? How about racist?

Jason Schwartzman, already hideously ugly, refuses to wash his hair even once.

The obligatory anti-Christian jab, which has become de rigeur for American filmmakers these days, is extended to a full scene.

Features an ass-fucking in the mud scene.

'nuff said.

Full disclosure: i once went out with one of those new-age freakos, and i still have unresolved issues about that whole thing.

Carrey Poll Results

Fifty-six votes on my semi-scientific Jim Carrey poll and i'm ready to call it. the question was this: "The best Jim Carrey film was..." And the results, in order of the vote totals was:

The Truman Show 25%
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind 18%
Dumb & Dumber 14%
Bruce Almighty 11%
The Mask 7%
Me, Myself & Irene 7%
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective 5%
Liar Liar 5%
The Cable Guy 4%
The Dead Pool 4%

First of all, it was kind of a trick question. Or at least a question subject to dual interpretations. What was the best "Jim Carrey movie" or what was the best "movie in which Jim Carrey appeared." If you ask me, each interpretation of the question should get a different answer.

If you're talking about "best movie in which Jim Carrey appeared," in my opinion that's clearly Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which is one of the best movies to come out in recent years. But it's not a typical Jim Carrey movie. Sure, his performance was great, and there were flashes of the madcap, but Carrey wasn't the star. The script was the star and i was more blown away by Kate Winslet's complex performance.

The fact that 25% voted for The Truman Show is interesting. That's the movie that broke the Carrey typecast mold. Not a great film. Interesting enough to chat about for fifteen or twenty minutes during the obligatory post-movie Panda Express run, but no more than that. Still, without The Truman Show, we would have seen Nick Cage in the lead role of Eternal Sunshine. And what a mistake that would have been. i like Nick, but he couldn't have pulled off the baby under the table scene.

Funniest "Jim Carrey" Jim Carrey movie? i'm appalled that the comedy classic Ace Ventura: Pet Detective was so low on the list. Too many lines from that movie are worth memorizing and sprinkling into everyday conversation. It's also the only comedy movie i can think of with an offbeat hero, where the hero is not a bumbler of some kind. Think of the Pink Panther movies (also classics), when you have a wacky lead, he usually succeeds despite himself. In Ace Ventura, the lead is not a stereotypical lovable loser, instead he's the only one smart enough to crack the case.

Dumb and Dumber is hilarious, but except for the scene where the two of them are squirting ketchup and mustard into their mouths, i don't laugh as hard throughout as i did when i first saw it.

The Mask was just bad, never funny, and too reliant on special effects. Bruce Almighty is a one punch line movie, and i think it came in fourth on the strength of Jennifer Aniston's titties. Finally, by all rights The Dead Pool should have scored higher than The Cable Guy. Jim Carrey was great in that final installment to the Dirty Harry franchise. He played a strung out Axl Rose type rock star named Johnny Squares. This was a couple of years before In Living Color.

i was interested in that poll question not because i'm a huge Jim Carrey fan, because i'm not. i like him well enough, but what fascinates me is how a guy who everyone was so hot on in the nineties suddenly lost favor when everybody realized that he only had one act, and it got old rather quickly. He career kind of mirrored the dot-com boom/bust cycle of the nineties. Suddenly Hollywood realized he was obscenely overvalued and his career went through a "market correction." Carrey has dramatic talent and it's been interesting watching him try to re-invent himself for his last few movies.

Useless Grey's Anatomy Blogging

George and that nurse. What a bizarre couple.
He has no hair on his body. She has no lips.

An Easy Choice

Brittany & Kevin or Law & Order.
Brittany & Kevin or Law & Order.
Brittany & Kevin or Law & Order.
Brittany & Kevin or Law & Order.
Brittany & Kevin or Law & Order.
Brittany & Kevin or Law & Order.
Brittany & Kevin or Law & Order.
Brittany & Kevin or Law & Order.

sorry Brittany.

Now We're Talkin' Real Pizza

My previous attempts at homemade pizza dough didn't turn out good at all. The bottom was never crispy enough, and the toppings made the top soggy. Boboli was a reasonable alternative, but it's not real pizza. So i was on the lookout for a better way.

Here's what came out of the oven tonight.

The secret is the pizza stone. i can't emphasize enough how essential this kitchen item is. Stick it in the oven first and preheat that bastard up to 500°, then sprinkle some cornmeal on it and slide the pizza on top. Then turn the heat down to 425° and cook for 18 minutes.

That's mozarella, sun-dried tomato, pepperoni, mushroom, pineapple and crushed red pepper.

Perfecto. Bellisimo. Molto buono. Grazie T.S.!

Things You Find On eBay

This is pretty funny.

Don't Panic

This weekend, i re-rented The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, the cheesy 1981 BBC version that i used to rave about. i won't be doing that anymore. It does not hold up to a second viewing.

The fact is, i only saw it once before, many years ago, when a friend let me borrow the videotape. i was really blazed at the time. i seemed to remember thinking the low budget special effects (none) were much funnier than they actually are.

The BBC version, in fact, is pretty sucky. Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect seem gay. The chick who plays Trillian is simply annoying and unpleasant to watch, as is Zaphod Beeblebrox, who can't decide what accent to use. i wanted to strangle Marvin the depressed robot by the end of the three hours.

Zaphod Beeblebrox's extra head is comical. It moves on its own, but it looks worse than a papier mache replica. It's really bad.

i did like the little interludes when the narrator read from the Guide. These are illustrated with typical 80's videogame style graphics that seem to still work for me. The narrator delivers the funny lines with perfect deadpan timing. All the scenes on the Vogon spaceship were well done and funny too. The Vogon captain's poetry was classic.

i also detected a slight British high-brow anti-Americanism, which i hadn't noticed the first time i saw it. i'm more sensisitive to these things now. For instance, a couple of the characters spoke in caricatures of American dialects. Some guards talked like they were from Brooklyn, and Trillian sounded like a gum chewing waitress. And when Ford and Zaphod sing a death song in one of the later episodes, the melody is the Star Spangled Banner. Why is it that the Brits all know our national anthem?

That's something that has always bothered me about the British intelligentsia. They love us, yet they hate us. They act superior, yet we give them an inferiority complex. They're obsessed with us. It's kind of pathetic.

Anyways, i don't recommend the old BBC version, except to Dr. Who fans, who are all desensitized to bad sci-fi effects already.

i'm a big fan of the book, and i do plan on seeing the newest feature version. i think Douglas Adams is a modern day Swift.

Apprentice Live Blogging

Got a late start. Missed the project assignments.

9:10 - Hey Net Worth, if the cell phone don't work, pick up a land line. That's a no brainer.

9:15 - Net Worth is making a tabouret. Magna a lazy susan.

9:25 - i'm waiting for Craig to throw a tape dispenser at Kendra. That would be funny.

9:28 - On second thought, that's not a tabouret, it's a credenza.

9:29 - Craig's doin' a verbal smackdown on Kendra. If they lose, Tana is golden in the boardroom. But Kendra has immunity, interesting. Craig has totally missed that key dynamic, which could be his undoing.

9:31 - No, i changed my mind again. Since it has wheels, it's a tabouret. It looks expensive too.

9:33 - Net Worth lost. Back to the ivory tower, boys.

9:35 - Haha, the Staples "Desk Apprentice" is actually for sale. i think it's stupid. Too big for most desks, plus you need to keep the area around it clear so it will spin, thus it takes up even more space.

9:39 - The rainbow room looks suweet. i just heard the male half of the tv audience let out an audible sigh of disappointment when Carolyn revealed she was married.

9:42 - It's traditional at my place to say "Trump" in unison when the boss walks into the boardroom.

9:43 - Can lawyers be creative? Sad to say, in my experience, mostly no.

9:45 - Alex, you're a loser, face it.

9:48 - i love that Jetta commercial where the dude's on a job interview and his car radio comes on accidentally and it's way too loud.

9:50 - Alex is the "hungriest person here." Should have had lunch before he went in. Brin has trouble "taking risks." Might have wanted to keep that to himself. Trump just smelled blood.

9:52 - "Branson went after me, I killed 'im. Cuban went after me, I killed 'im." Whoaaa. Nice trash talkin' Don. What about Martha, i wonder?

9:53 - It's Bren. He didn't want it. i just watched him commit boardroom hari-kari. Talkin' about how he'd rather be home with his kids. i can respect that. Oh well. Another bow-tie bites the dust.

9:59 - In the cab, did i hear Brin clicking his heels together three times?

Apprentice Blogging

By far the best Apprentice episode of this season. It had everything: drama, tears, comedy, sex. Well maybe not sex, but Tana and Craig did sleep in the same room together, while Kendra was having orgasms over her brochure design.

Oh and by the way, i was blogging about the Solstice over a year ago. And i think the picture i took would have looked great on Net Worth's brochure. At least mine was in focus.

Funniest Reality TV Quote Of The Year...

"Only in a America can a black man have a Rolex, drive a Audi, and y'all be workin' at Burger King."

--Burger King drive through patron, upon seeing Paris and Nicole working the window.

Runners up:

"Hideous."

--Simon Cowell to Anthony Federov.

"Are you not a homosexual?"

"Sir, I am not a homosexual."

--Boardroom exchange between Trump and hotheaded Chris.

The Great Moussaka Experiment 2005

annika's Great Moussaka Experiment 2005 is underway as i write this. Recipe from my Greek roommate's mom. Fingers crossed. Pictures to follow.

Here it is.

The result was a little disappointing. Nowhere close to being as good as Charissa's mom's. After some dispute, we decided to make it a vegetarian moussaka, but i still think it needs the meat filling. i sliced the eggplant too thin for one thing. Also, there was too much liquid, so we should have used a slotted spoon to add the filling. The cheesy top crust was the best part though.

Ten Lessons Learned From The Movie Mona Lisa Smile

1. Men bad. Women good.

2. Marriage bad. Career good.

3. The fifties bad. Today good.

4. Rules and standards bad. Bad bad bad.

5. Promiscuity is a virtue.

6. Marriage equals failure. Women should avoid it at all costs.

7. Unless you are chubby, then let nothing stand in the way of getting a husband.

8. If you absolutely must get married, remember that having a career at the same time is easy.

9. Have pity on those poor girls who grew up in the fifties. Chicks have it so much easier today.

10. Wellesley girls are snobby.*
_______________

* Okay, that last one wasn’t sarcastic.

Tuesday TV Thoughts

i'm a huge Nadia fan. i love her style. But she was flat tonight. i mean she wasn't in key. It was painful.

i had high hopes for Anwar when he auditioned. He's a voice teacher, but Randy is right. He's not been good for quite a few weeks in a row, and only saves himself with some big notes at the end.

Carrie. i've been expecting her to do "Independence Day" ever since she auditioned. That was like a given. i think she sewed up the Sean Hannity audience tonight.

Scott. Ho-hum. Federov. Yawn.

Niko. i'm with Randy. That was a'ight. Just a'ight.

Have you tried that Coke with lime yet? Too sweet for my taste.

Do you miss Mikalah? Me neither.

Constantine's appeal is too narrow to hold much longer.

Vonzell has a black belt? That's not surprising, 'cuz she's kicked ass two weeks in a row now. Carrie was good, but not as good as Martina. Vonzell was absolutely just as good as Whitney on her song tonight.

In my mind, Bo, Vonzell and Carrie are the front runners.

House, Scrubs or Jim? Please, isn't there anything better on Tuesday night? The Amazing Race is out, because i've reached my tolerance limit for reality tv.

i could always study. There's a thought.

Useful Easter Egg Blogging

Happy Easter. Here is my quick recipe for Eggs Benedict, fashioned when i didn't have all the proper ingredients or a lot of time. But i think my substitutions make it a little better.

2 eggs
sourdough baguette
thin sliced ham or turkey sandwich meat
Knorr's hollandaise sauce
pepper jack cheese <-- the key
margarine
fresh ground pepper

Spread margarine lightly on one side of the baguette slices. arrange the meat on top. Plop the egg on the meat next. Pour a few tablespoons of the hollandaise on next. Then crumble the pepper jack on top and sprinkle with roughly ground pepper.

The secret to any eggs benedict dish is simultaneity. The various ingredients cool down so fast that you have to time things right to get it all together and eat it while it's still hot. Or, you can always assemble it and hit it with the microwave before you dig in.

By the way, i tried Rachael Ray's method for perfect hard boiled eggs this morning and it worked beautifully. Cover the eggs with cold water; as soon as it starts boiling, turn the heat off; cover and wait ten minutes. That's it. Perfecto.

Book Meme Tag Thingie

i'm honored that Candace tagged me for this Book Meme Thingie, which originated at The Pink Bee. Here we go:

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?

i never read Farenheit 451 either. i read one book by Kurt Vonnegut, and i figure that should take care of any obligation i have to read Bradbury. Anyways i did a quick google search for books mentioned in F451, which led me to: Alice's Adventues in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. Totally re-readable, and one of the first real books i ever read. (As opposed to books with lots of pictures.)

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Not really. i guess the closest i came would be Dean Moriarty from Kerouac's On The Road. i was more in love with the book itself, which threatened to change my life totally for about a year after i read it. That was my celebrated hippie phase. i loved the way he looked at things; he never seemed to miss the inherent coolness in any experience.

The last book you bought is:

Fiction: American Gods, by Neil Gaiman. Non-fiction: His Excellency by Joseph J. Ellis, whose historical biographies are always more about ideas than people. School related: Emanuel's Criminal Procedure.

The last book you read:

I Am Charlotte Simmons by Tom Wolfe. Flawed, it was. And thick as a casebook. Still, Tom Wolfe has this way of describing contemporary culture in a way that makes you feel like you're seeing it for the first time, as a visitor from outer space or the future would. There were a few vignettes that were strangely familiar, too.

What are you currently reading?

American Gods is in my school bookbag. Also, on my bedside table is the volume of Robert Frost poetry Matt sent me. And on a little table in the garage where i smoke cigarettes is The Crossley Baby, which sucks, but i'm trying to finish it. Next to the toilet is Watercolor School by Hazel Harrison.

Five books you would take to a deserted island.

1. Like Candace and Ginger, i would take the Good Book
2. The Brothers Karamazov.
3. Robinson Crusoe, which is an obvious choice isn't it? It could double as a survival manual.
4. i like Ginger's idea of Swann's Way. But i would take the whole Remembrance of Things Past set. There's no telling when i'll be rescued.
5. From Dawn to Decadence by Jacques Barzun. A history of the last five hundred years, which i started last year, but put down.

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?

i pick four: Matt, Paul, Weggy and Sheila, because i know i'll be fascinated by anything they say.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

i notice that a few bloggers have posted pictures of their favorite Irish beverage in celebration of today's holiday.

Eric posted about Caffrey's, a brew i have not yet sampled.

Preston posted about that old standby, Guinness, a brew that i am all too familiar with. And if Matt were still posting regularly, i know he'd put up a Guinness photo, too.

Here's my Irish brew of choice:

Slightly bitter, a hint of cocoa, very complex on the palate. Murphy's Stout makes Guinness taste like water by comparison.

No beverage pics at Sheila's but she's got a bevy of great St. Patrick's day posts, as i expected. i'm still eagerly awaitin' to see what the Irish Lass will post. And Happy Anniversary to Dizzy Girl Gennie and her hubbie!

Update: Ted wants a Corona. A Corona?! i won't even drink that shit on cinco de Mayo.

And the best St. Patrick's Day gift of all: bad-ass John is back! With a post on his drink of choice to boot!

Now, if we could just work on Bill at Bloviating Inanities.

Update 2: i almost missed Michele's Guinness Ice Cream recipe until just now. Don't you miss it.

An Idol Mind

Bo Bice made a believer out of me tonight. But i'm still sayin' Nadia Turner is the next American Idol.

And Constantine is way cute. He did a nice job with that Three Dog Night song. Or was that Blood, Sweat and Tears?

i feel sorry for Vonzell. She's got a great voice, but trying to do Dionne is like trying to do a Sinatra song. It's impossible to listen to without comparing it to the master.

Mikalah gave up on the competition weeks ago. i think she's as surprised as anyone that she's still there.

Anwar had an unusually bad night. Anthony and Scott did well, without standing out. Lindsey should be gone by all rights; she's totally out of her league.

Which one is Carrie and which one is Jessica? Aren't they the same person?

And Nikko is back, but not for long, i predict.

New Book

i finally finished the Tom Wolfe book. Maybe i'll give you my mixed review later. Next up, based solely on the strength of Lorie's recommendation, i'm going to read American Gods by Neil Gaiman.

Star Wars Goes To Hell

From Coming Soon.net:

George Lucas . . . says the third and final prequel [in the Star Wars series] will not likely receive the PG rating the previous five films have received.

'I don't think I would take a five- or a six-year-old to this,' says Lucas, 'It's way too strong.'

Lucas is referring to violent scenes in the film and also to Anakin Skywalker's journey to the dark side in the climax of the 30-year-old series. 'We're going to watch him make a pact with the devil,' Lucas tells the program.

He says Skywalker will be descending into Lucas' frightening vision of Hell, a mythical planet composed entirely of erupting volcanos. 'Yes...the lava at the end...it ends in hell.'

The series went to hell when Lucas released that train wreck called Episode One.

Their Eyes Were Watching God

Haven't seen that much tongue on tv since Huell Howser went to Canter's on Fairfax.

Useless Bachelorette Blogging

So now that Jen gave up on this latest guy, can ABC please give up on The Bachelorette? i don't ever want to see that chipper asss on the tube ever again. Dude. Like how long can you stretch out 15 minutes?

i hardly ever watched this show, but i noticed tonight that Jen really has no sense of humor. i mean, can't they get a chick with some personality? Jerry is so much better off, he's not only a babe, but his great sense of humor would have been wasted on her.

Useless 24 Blogging

i'm not sure why the writers of 24 felt it necessary to include the whole "Ms. Driscoll's crazy daughter" storyline, but i'm certain it was unnecessary for them to end it in such a predictably tragic way.

Now the law student in me asks why "the clinic" didn't use a stronger sedative when she started acting up, and why they didn't restrain her for her own safety. Come on, don't tell me the CTU clinic didn't have any spare restraints?

There's a wrongful death suit there, but how much is a schizophrenic dependent worth?

The TV Commercial That Annoys The Shit Out Of Me...

...fortunately, i don't have a problem with irregularity, so i'm just pointlessly annoyed at that commercial with the chick getting dressed and her boyfriend or husband keeps playing that Eric Clapton song on his laptop, you know that song from Clapton's boring sucky phase (which in my opinion equals anything he did after Cream, and continues to this day), the part where he sings "she's wondering what clothes to wear . . . she's wondering what clothes to wear . . . she's wondering what clothes to wear . . . This evil commercial never fails to insert that awful song into my consciousness until i drift off to sleep, if i'm lucky.

Other commercials i hate include any in which chewing noises predominate, such as all the Carl's Jr. commercials and the new "Cheerios are good for babies too" spots, and also any commercial with kids singing.

Robot Chicken

Don't forget to catch Robot Chicken tonight at 12:00 p.m. on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim.

Movie Cussin' Trivia

Here's some movie swear word trivia.

1. Of this year's Oscar nominees for Best Picture, which one has the most swear words?


2. Which Best Picture nominee contains the fewest swear words?


3. Which Best Picture nominee contains the most f-words?


4. What movie holds the record for the most swear words of any previous Best Picture winner? Hint: It won in 1987.

Grammy Roundup

Go directly to Dizzy Girl for the snarkiest Grammy Roundup.

Grammy Awards...Tim McGraw...'Ramblin Man'...nightmare. WTF were they thinking? He sounds like someone squeezed his nuts really tight a few seconds before he took the stage. Faith seems to enjoy his performance though. Maybe she was the one squeezing dem nuts.

Poll Results

The poll results are in. You've decided that the best replacement for Dan Rather at the CBS Evening news is actor Keanu Reeves. With 63% of the vote, support for Mr. Reeves was more than five times that of his closest competitor, über-news-tart Kiki Couric.

Mr. Reeves' journalistic credentials are unclear, however many experts believe that CBS executives should not worry about a lack of news experience, given the current state of the CBS Nightly News' ratings and credibility.

Keanu Reeves, 40, is perhaps best known for his role as Neo, the stoic hero of the Matrix film trilogy. His other credits include Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, in which he played Ted, and Speed, opposite co-stars Dennis Hopper and Sandra Bullock. Others may remember Mr. Reeves best for his early starring role with River Phoenix in the 1991 film My Own Private Idaho.

Mr. Phoenix could not be reached for comment.

TV Trivia

Without Googling: who did the voice of Pebbles Flintstone in the 1971-72 Saturday morning cartoon, The Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm Show?

Hint: she's better known for her work on a night-time TV show, which also premiered in 1971.

And while we're on the subject. Does it seem strange to you that Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm grew up next door to each other, and their parents were best friends, but they ended up dating in High School? i mean, isn't that almost like dating your sibling? You'd think they'd want to branch out a little.

The 28²+1 Book Meme

Here's a new book meme. Starting at the top left of your first bookcase, count off your books from left to right until you find the twenty-eighth book. Turn to page twenty-eight and copy the first full paragraph you find on that page. What book is it? Have you read it? Did you like it?

Why the number twenty-eight? i don't know; i had to pick a number and today is January 28th. Besides, if you don't have at least twenty-eight books in your home, the books you do own are probably not very interesting anyway.

Here's mine:

Now to invent something touching the more private career of Claggart, something involving Billy Budd, of which something the latter should be wholly ignorant, some romantic incident implying that Claggart's knowledge of the young bluejacket began at some period anterior to catching sight of him on board the sevety-four--all this, not so difficult to do, might avail in a way more or less interesting to account for whatever of enigma may appear to lurk in the case. But in fact there was nothing of the sort. And yet the cause necessarily to be assumed as the sole one assignable is in its very realism as much charged with that prime element of Radcliffian romance, the mysterious, as any that the ingenuity of the author of The Mysteries of Udolpho could devise. For what can more partake of the mysterious than an antipathy spontaneous and profound such as is evoked in certain exceptional mortals by the mere aspect of some other mortal, however harmless he may be, if not called forth by this very harmlessness itself?

Cheapo Wine Pick Of The Week

1999 Trinity Oaks Zinfandel, $4.99 at Bel Air Market. This is good shit. Tastes like a ten dollar bottle of wine. Looks and smells good too. The 1999 label isn't as pretty as the one pictured here, but don't let that fool you. At that price, i could drink two bottles tonight, but i won't.

Just An Observation

It is impossible to listen to Louis Armstrong's 1931 recording of Stardust without tearing up. Trust me on this.

Memo To The Makers Of The O.C.

Please tell the talent to stop chewing while talking. It doesn't project casual coolness, it's just gross. It doesn't matter how attractive the speaker/chewer is. Mouth sounds are gross, especially when amplified by a 5.1 home theater system.

Also, everybody in the real O.C. is Republican. Even the kids. So have a clue, and stop inserting those snide liberal one-liners into the dialogue.

On the other hand: Peter Gallagher singing? Not bad. Surprisingly good, actually.

The Comfort Lunch

If today isn't a day for the comfort lunch, i don't know what is. Dark clouds, cold rain, wind, hangovers, and the unspoken subtext of impending grade announcements have quieted our little house of mirth here in the Big Valley. Times like this call for - no require - a grilled cheese and tomato soup lunch.

i still remember the afternoon my grandmother (on the German side, the midwestern side) disclosed to me to the secrets of her famous grilled cheese sandwich. She had a big house in the country, with chickens, ducks and bunnies in the back yard, and a big pyramid-shaped strawberry planter in the front.

(A short aside. My grandmother had a vegetable garden too. Besides the usual carrots, cabbage, potatoes, green onions, tomatoes and broccoli, she grew a thing called kohlrabi. It's a relative of the brussels sprout and cabbage family, with a fine German heritage. i must have been about six or seven when she cooked it for me and my brother during one of our weeklong rustic summer holidays (our parents would drop us off to get us out of their hair). i've never had or seen kohlrabi since, but the memory of it is bound tightly with my memories of Grandma and that garden. Now that's a comfort food.)

She also made the best italian salad dressing. But my grandmother's take on the classic grilled cheese was simple, which is as it should be. i've tinkered with it over the years, but the essentials are still there. Assemble these items:

• two slices of sharp cheddar or muenster cheese


• two slices of bread, wheat or white or my favorite: dill rye


• dash of fresh ground pepper


• dash of cayenne pepper


• margarine or butter


• about four thin slices of ham, or bacon

It's not about the ingredients, it's about technique.

First spread a thin coat of margarine over one side of each slice of bread. (Grandma always used real butter, of course.) Make sure to spread the margarine out to the edges of the crust. There should be no bare spots. You want the entire side of the bread covered because this will be the side of the bread that gets grilled.

Next lay the bread out, margarine side down, and cover each piece of bread with enough cheese that you can't see any bread underneath. If you're slicing the cheese, it should be medium thickness. Not too thick, but thick enough so some of it will melt out of the sandwich. the cheese will be doing two things here: enveloping the meat, and occasionally dripping onto the grill to create bits of fried cheesy crusty goodness.

Arrange whatever meat you're using on top of one piece of bread. The proper technique at this step is to create air pockets in the meat (if you're using thin sliced ham) for the cheese to melt into. i bunch up the ham into little flowerets to achieve this purpose. The ham should never be laid flat, because that just makes for a boring sandwich.

Now heat a nonstick pan until little drops of water splashed from your fingertips dance happily for a moment before evaporating. Keep the pan on medium heat. This recipe is not recommended for electric stovetops, because temperature control is the key to a perfect grilled cheese sandwich.

You might want to start the soup now. Campbell's tomato soup should be heated to a simmer, but never boiled. i like to add a half can of water only, although the instructions call for a whole can. Sometimes i'll mix in a dash of white pepper, and i garnish it with a sprinkle of dried oregano.

Back to the sandwich: sprinkle fresh ground pepper and cayenne pepper over the slice of bread with cheese on it, then carefully flip that slice over onto the slice with the ham. When the pan is ready, slap the sandwich down onto it making a "thwump" sound. It should immediately start to sizzle. The "thwump" and the sizzle are important; it's part of the whole comfort thing.

Do not leave the stove, while cooking. You need to peek under the sandwich and check its color constantly. A side is done when it's golden brown and speckled, never black. The pan should be hot enough to melt the cheese thoroughly, but not burn the bread. Too low, and you get a soggy sandwich. Too hot and it gets black on the outside before the cheese in the middle melts. Adjust the flame as needed.

Grilling the sandwich right is a slow and loving process. The perfect medium temperature is achieved with practice, when the globs of cheese reach down and begin frying on the pan at the exact moment that the first side is the perfect color, you have mastered the art of the grilled cheese.

After flipping, grill the other side until it's golden color matches the first side. Now for the fun part. Slide that baby onto a plate and, before eating, spread a thin coat of real horseradish (not cream sauce) over one side. Slice diagonally, park yourself on your favorite couch near your favorite coffee table, cuddling in your favorite comfort blanket, flip on the TV tuned to HGTV or some other favorite comfort program, and enjoy with soup.

Update: Here's a switch; i post a recipe, while the multi-talented Candace posts a poem!

Update 2: SWG brings us another grilled comfort food, for Elvis Day.

Useless Alias Trivia Blogging

The exterior shot of the tunnel in Rio De Janeiro, where Sidney went to meet Tomazaki with the samurai sword, is actually the tunnel underneath Grand Avenue between the Los Angeles Music Center and the Los Angeles County Courthouse.

Bonus trivia: i think the mausoleum in Moscow, where Sidney's mother is buried, is actually the Westwood Cemetery, where Marilyn Monroe and Natalie Wood are buried.

Can you believe i only lived in LA for one year?

Artie Shaw's Passing

The great bandleader and clarinetist Artie Shaw died last Thursday. i just read about it today and it reminded me of this old Poetry Wednesday post, where we discussed Artie Shaw in the comments section.

Holiday Gift Advice For The Jazz Lover

Since both of my parents are big fans of traditional jazz, Derrick and i grew up hearing that music almost exclusively in the house. My listening tastes branched out when i got into high school, but now that i'm older, i find myself returning to the old standards more and more. i'm not an expert, but you might be surprised how many standards i can sing along to. And i probably have as many opinions on jazz as i do on popular music.

That's just my way of prefacing the following helpful hints for those visitors here who may have one or more jazz lovers on your gift giving list. Trust annika. i've built a pretty decent CD collection over the years and since the standards, by definition, never go out of style, i'd like to share some of my wisdom with you. Here are my recommendations from out of my own collection. i could never get tired of listening to any CD on this list.

Big Bands:

Kansas City, Original Motion Picture Soundtrack - i never saw the movie, but this disk is full of loud, hella fun big band horns. The one Kevin Mahogany vocal is a highlight.

Slide Hampton & The Jazz Masters, Dedicated To Diz - i saw this band in concert at San Francisco's Masonic Hall. There's a back and forth battle of the high note trumpeters on one song that knocked me out when i heard it live. It is my number one favorite CD of my entire collection.

The Best of Woody Herman & His Big Band, The Concord Years - This one features a trombone version of Round Midnight. Yes, trombone. But it's one of the best versions of that song i've heard.

Count Basie At Newport - Basie, live. What more do you need to know? The all-star appearances include Lester Young, Jo Jones, Roy Eldridge and one of my favorite vocalists, the late Joe Williams.

Small Combos:

John Coltrane, My Favorite Things - The title song is my favorite Coltrane tune.

The Best of Bill Evans Live on Verve - A great selection of very romantic and soft piano standards.

Johnny Griffin, The Little Giant - i heard 63rd Street Theme on the radio once and i was compelled to rush to the nearest music store for this CD. i was not sorry. Puts me in the mood of being in the big city on a cold wintry day, i don't know why.

Wynton Marsalis, Standard Time, Vol.3: The Resolution Of Romance - One of the first jazz CDs i ever bought. Very romantic stuff, and brings back some nice personal memories every time i listen to it.

Vocals:

Mack The Knife, Ella In Berlin - This classic jazz recording shows why Ella was and always will be the best, ever. She puts on a clinic.

Carmen McRae, Carmen Sings Monk - Another classic jazz CD. The only way i can remember the names to any of Monk's instrumentals is to think about Carmen singing the words.

Sammy Davis Jr., The Sounds Of 66 - Anyone who likes Sammy will absolutely love this live recording from the Sands Hotel's Copa Room.

Mel Tormé, The Great American Songbook: Live at Michael's Pub - i got a ton of Mel Tormé, but this is my favorite.

Compilations, etc:

Duke Ellington, Reminiscing in Tempo - This is a great intro to the music of America's best composer. Some of it's in mono, but one of the stereo songs is an eight minute version of Come Sunday by Mahalia Jackson that brings tears to my eyes.

Frank Sinatra Sings The Select Rodgers & Hart - Every song is a winner.

The Essential Dinah Washington - My mom and Dad wore out the grooves to their Dinah Washington records when i was a kid, so when i finally bought my own CD, it was this one.

All The Things You Are: The Jerome Kern Songbook - Lots of different artists here; mostly hits and a few misses. But Ella's version of All The Things You Are is so beautiful i have to recommend it for that alone.

Help Us Decide

Which animated feature should the b/f take me to see this weekend?

High Noon

i think i'll watch a classic movie later tonight. High Noon, starring Gary Cooper and Grace Kelly.

: )

The IMDb plot summary says: "A sheriff, personally compelled to face a returning deadly enemy, finds that his own town refuses to help him." Sounds like a metaphor for George W. Bush and the Democrats.

Sorry, i couldn't resist the political jab.

Movies i Seen This Weekend

This weekend, i finally saw two movies i've been anxious to see for a while. One was awesome, and the other was interesting, but flawed.

The Bourne Identity was the awesome one. i had to pick up the DVD at Best Buy, so that i will be ready to see The Bourne Supremacy next. i'm detemined not to make the same mistake i made with the Lethal Weapon series, when i failed to see number 2 before seeing number three. Seriously, you can't see those movies out of sequence because the existence of Joe Pesci and Chris Rock are not explained and do not make sense in the third one. i was totally confused throughout.

Anyways, i liked The Bourne Supremacy very much. Lots of action, well edited and shot, and Matt Damon is such a cutie. He's so much better than Ben Afflack as an actor. i don't know how they're going to sustain the first movie's interest in the sequel, because a lot of what made Identity good is that the audience knew more than the hero. We knew Bourne's identity, and it was fun to watch him trying to figure it out. Now that he knows it too, i wonder whether Supremacy will be as interesting.

i've heard that the sequel will be about Bourne's getting even. Another revenge movie, like that hasn't been done to death. Now the second movie i saw this weekend, in an actual theater no less, was The Village, by M. Night Shyamalan (or as i like to say: M. Knight Shamalamadingdong). i'd been avoiding all conversation about this movie for some time because i didn't want anyone to spoil it for me. If you haven't seen it, don't read any further because i intend to talk about the secret.

As i watched the Village, i kept wondering what the allegory was. i was totally taken in by the fairy tale quality of the story. Then they had to go and ruin it by injecting reality at the end. They turned a quite charming story into a one punch-line joke. To no good effect, i thought.

In Shyamalan's earlier movie, which i liked a lot better, the one about the kid that sees dead people, he also strung the audience along for the whole movie only to spring the joke on them at the very end. However, in that case, the joke was totally unexpected and caused me to re-think the whole plot for hours after it was over. After seeing The Village, all i did was criticize how it didn't make sense. Plus, i kind of guessed that the village was some sort of "Colonial House," so i wasn't really surprised by the twist.

Don Knotts

Don Knotts had a birthday recently (July 21st), which i failed to properly commemorate on this here blog. i referenced him briefly in a short post below, and now i'm going to tell you what his greatest role was.

While a lot of people swear that The Incredible Mr. Limpet is the best Don Knotts movie, i think people who think that are all wet. Knotts excelled at the physical comedy of facial expressions. Limpet was a cartoon, so it by definition cannot be the best DK movie.

The Ghost and Mr. Chicken is a strong contender. Knotts' character is named Luther Heggs, a perfect name for a DK character. i loved the whole scene where he spends the night in the haunted house. Remember the crazy organ music? Knotts was at his shaky best.

i liked The Reluctant Astronaut just a little bit better, partly because i like space movies. This one came out in 1967, at the height of the space race. The premise is typically DK: he gets a job at NASA, tells his family and his girlfriend that he is in astronaut training, when in fact he's just a janitor, hijinks ensue, his family finds out about the charade, they're terribly disappointed, then even though he's Acrophobic, he blunders onto a spaceflight, actually becoming a reluctant astronaut , more hijinks ensue. It's predictable, but still a must see.

i also liked The Apple Dumpling Gang, where DK teams up with Tim Conway as a pair of stereotypically incompetent but loveable bank robbers.

But the funniest Don Knotts movie, in my opinion, is the often overlooked How to Frame a Figg, from 1971. Here's a couple of comments from the IMDB page:

'How to Frame a Figg is a vintage Don Knotts - frenetic, farcical comedy, and features him at the top of his form as the hysterical, cat-on-hot-tin-roof nervous, persecuted civil servant Hollis Figg.'

'If folks were really this stupid I could be the SRW - Supreme Ruler of the World. In this one Knotts plays a dimwitted bean counter for some little jerk water town run by a group of crooked simpletons only slightly brighter than he is. When things appear a bit shaky for the crooks they go for a frame-up of the patsy Figg. Plenty of laughs as Knotts does his usual bumbling, stumbling act. I especially appreciated the extension cord scene; asininity at it's highest level.'

Best Don Knotts movie: How to Frame a Figg. Go rent it tonight and let me know if you agree or disagree.

Thoughts On Some Movies i Saw On AMC This Week

. . . The fight scene in Rocky II is perhaps the greatest fight scene in the history of movies - but only if you accept the dubious possibility that two professional heavyweights would, or could, go 15 rounds without ever once protecting themselves, and that any referee would ever allow such a thing. . . .

. . . There's a really good reason why Ralph Macchio's career never caught fire after doing the Karate Kid movies: he is without a doubt the most annoying actor in the history of film. . . .

. . . What is it with you guys and The Blues Brothers movie? It must be some defect in the y chromosome that makes you love it so much because - face it - that movie really sucks. . . .

. . . Amityville II, The Possession shares a distinct honor with Superman III in my book. They are both completely and utterly unwatchable. . . .

Have a great Fourth of July weekend everybody! i'm outta here.

Brando Memories

It doesn't seem to be widely reported yet, but Drudge links to a story that Marlon Brando has died.

Calling him the greatest actor of all time is a bit of a stretch. Still, Brando did some good work in his day. My favorites are On the Waterfront, Streetcar Named Desire of course, and the Godfather. His part in Apocalypse Now, although brief, was memorable. On the other side of the ledger, i thought he was horribly mis-cast in that musical Guys and Dolls.

And what was up with that strange Oscar non-acceptance episode?

To sum up my opinion: weird guy, decent actor.

Sal's Famous

Although i make a damn good California style with artichoke hearts, sun dried tomatoes and goat cheese on Boboli, when dining out i'm firmly on the side of New York style in this controversy.

Chicago-style pizza vs. New York-style. What's the difference? And what about other styles - Neapolitan, Sicilian, Californian?

Every pizza style has a devoted following. If you want to start a heated discussion, just tell a fan of New York-style that you prefer deep dish.

Darth Vader Gargoyle

Kevin Kim tells of a gargoyle* at Washington D.C.'s National Cathedral, which is carved in the shape of Darth Vader's head. i was skeptical, but it seems to be true. Can anyone verify this? Have you seen it?

* Technically it's a grotesque; gargoyles being a type of grotesque that directs water through a spout, which Darth Vader does not. Kevin correctly refers to it as a grotesque, which deflects, rather than spouts water. Why do i call it a gargoyle, then? i happen to like diphthongs, that's all.

Friends

i should do a Friends post. But really i'm waiting for Ginger and Candace to weigh in on tonight's historic end to the iconic TV sitcom. i'm torn between wanting to watch it and wanting to resist participating in a cultural phenomenon. i watched the Seinfeld final episode and i felt robbed afterwards. If i refuse to watch Friends tonight, it will be my curmudgeonly protest over all the hype surrounding this show, which "jumped the shark" years ago. But since the Lakers aren't on tonight, i'll probably tune in for a little bit, just so i'll be able to participate in the watercooler debriefing tomorrow at work. Maybe the cast will get drunk and make fools of themselves in the final minutes, like they did when Cheers ended.

Just When You Think Art Can't Get Any Stupider

This idea is not only idiotic, it makes me a bit queasy in the tummy just thinking about it.

A Dutch artist has used a flap of her own skin to make a replica pistol to be shown at an Amsterdam art show. . . .

. . .

[S]he made the tiny replica pistol with a piece of skin . . . surgically removed from her abdomen. The puckered skin was stretched and sewn over a plastic and fiber pistol mold.

Meester said she had the flap of skin removed under local anaesthetic to allow her to make the pistol. The surgery left her with 16 stitches. She froze the skin, then defrosted it to make a replica weapon preserved in formaldehyde.

And here's the funniest quote i've seen in a long time:

If everyone made a pistol from their own skin, I think they would think twice about using a gun. I think there would be less violence in the world.

Ella's Birthday

It should be noted that on this day, in 1917, the greatest singer in history was born: Ella Fitzgerald.

annika's Own Political Artwork

i made these, but they sure would look good on your sidebar, i think.

(If you do take one, please copy it and load it on your own server so Pixy doesn't get mad at me for using up his bandwidth. Also, a link back here would be appreciated, but not required.)

Pansies

i took this photograph last weekend outside the state capitol building. i thought it might be cool to Van Gogh-ize it with PhotoShop.

Anita Blake Book, First Impressions

i've been reading Blue Moon by Laurell K. Hamilton, which is one of her Anita Blake, vampire hunter books. It's like an adult version of Buffy. So far it's okay. i'm about a quarter through it.

The heroine is tough talking, always insists on the last word and kicks a lot of ass. The writing is technically proficient, but Ms. Hamilton does have a few annoying habits. For instance she always describes what every character is wearing in every scene.

In the case of her male characters, every single one of them has long hair. They all like to go around showing off their torsos, either in see through shirts or simply bare-chested. Hamilton always takes the time to describe what their stomach muscles are doing. i'm like, okay i get it already, they're in shape. The author seems fixated on a very specific type.

Also, the aforementioned protagonist is kind of a bitch. Someday i'd like to see a kick-ass girl heroine who's not also a ball buster. Can't a girl be nice and still be tough when she needs to be? If and when i finally write my sci-fi police woman book, that's how my lead character will be.

Another Passion Review

Do read Matt's comments on his viewing of The Passion. It's a personal angle i hadn't considered, but one i think is very true.

Somehow, despite knowledge of what Jesus did for me, I've never felt the sacrifice on an emotional level--certainly not to the degree that seems appropriate, given the magnitude of His suffering and its eternal implications for mankind. It's never been as real to me as something that I'd experienced personally. Tonight, though, it was different.

More: Here's another very thoughtful review by blog-friend Desert Cat. It's Glogger again, so scroll past the Safire related post to his March 2 entry entitled "The Passion."

Is It As It Was?

i went with Betty and her sister to see The Passion of the Christ Friday night, but it was sold out. In fact, all the evening shows were sold out the whole weekend. So, the three of us ended up seeing the 10:00 matinee in Glendale on Saturday. Now that i’ve had some time to reflect, here’s what i think.

After an advance screening of The Passion, the Pope is said to have remarked: “It is as it was.” A few days ago, i wrote about my preliminary expectations. If you plan to see the movie but haven’t, i may ruin some of the experience, so you may want to stop reading now. Even though everybody knows how it ends, i think it’s best to view any movie without foreknowledge of how the filmmakers plan to tell the story.

It’s definitely an important movie. Is it a masterpiece, as some have called it? i really don’t think so. If you’re a Christian, it's not a movie that you can walk away from without being affected in some way. But it's missing something. It was well made. i’m glad i saw it. i’ll probably see it again, even though it is very difficult to watch. i didn’t hate it, but at this point, i’m not sure i can say i liked it. Maybe i wasn’t supposed to.

While the movie has its flaws, The Passion is realistic enough to make me almost believe i was there, at the crucifixion, something i have been hearing about and reading about all my life. That’s a powerful thing. There are moments of great emotional intensity. Betty cried throughout the movie, and she was shaking afterwards. As i walked out of the theater, i felt as if things were different, somehow. None of us wanted to talk for a while, but those feelings have worn off by now.

What i Liked

There are a few scenes that i liked very much. One scene in particular was a flashback scene with Jesus after he has built a table. Also, the stoning of Mary Magdelene was very nicely done. There’s no dialogue in that scene and it’s completely in slow motion. i couldn’t tell what was going on until the final shot when Mary’s face came onscreen, then it all made sense. Very powerful.

Gibson’s treatment of Simon the Cyrenian was unusual too. i always pictured him as volunteering to help carry the cross, but i think his initial reluctance makes more sense.

The actors who played Simon Peter and Mary, Jesus’ mother, both gave very fine performances. The lack of makeup on the women in the film also added to the realism.

Satan was played by a woman, but made up to look androgynous. She was scary. The scene with Judas under a bridge made me jump in my seat. i also thought using kids to taunt Judas just before he hangs himself made it more diabolical.

Technically, the movie is very well made. The music, visual effects, and photography are all great. The director of photography, Caleb Deschanel, also did The Right Stuff, The Natural and The Patriot.

Is It As It Was? - Historical Accuracy

Mel Gibson obviously wanted to show us the most historically accurate Jesus film to date. Unfortunately, and as i feared, his commitment to accuracy was not as consistent as i would have liked.

My biggest problem is one that has been talked about a lot in the professional reviews. There is too much blood, too early, in my opinion. i thought about this for a long time. Perhaps if the amount of torture had been realistic, i wouldn’t have been as bothered by it. But, at least during the scourging, i think Gibson overdid it. i don’t think it was realistic.

The scourging scene goes on for an unnecessarily long time. Historically, people died from scourging. It didn’t take a lot of strokes to kill someone, and Jesus was whipped savagely in the movie. Though i’m not an expert on this, i really do think any person would have died from that amount of flogging. There was so much blood on the floor after the scourging scene, it is impossible to believe that Jesus wouldn't have at least passed out, let alone believe that he could carry a heavy cross afterwards. We know that Jesus did not die until he was on the cross for three hours, so i think Gibson overdid the scourging scene.

People died on the cross because it was so hard to breathe while hanging up there. if i’m not mistaken, i believe the Nazis did some awful experiments to confirm this. i remember reading about it a long time ago in a book about the shroud. To breathe while on the cross, a person had to pull themself up by the arms to take each breath. Eventually they got too tired from the pain and torture of each breath and they suffocated.

That’s why the soldiers broke the legs of the thieves. When people took too long to die, they would break their legs to hurry the process, because then the victims wouldn’t be able to use their legs to help push themselves up for each breath. Gibson showed the leg breaking, but chose not to show the crucified men struggling to breathe up to that point.

It’s possible Gibson felt that Jesus had to be practically dead when he was on the cross, since he died without needing his legs broken. But i still feel that, given the severity of that scourging, Jesus would never have made it to Golgotha. We know that He did, and not only that, He was able to survive three hours on the cross.

The alternative to breaking the legs was to lance the victim through the heart, which they did to Jesus. That was one of the scenes when i became emotional during the movie, when the water starts coming out from the side. i always knew that story, but i’d never seen it done on film that way. It was hearbreaking.

Betty had a theory that since Jesus was God, he therefore could take more punishment, but i disagree. The whole point of Jesus’ torture and death was for Him to submit to it as a man. Using His power as God to withstand any torture would have been accepting the Devil’s temptation.

If one accepts that Jesus could have survived that horrible scourging, the amount of blood and the wounds do seem realistic, and i wouldn’t have a problem with Gibson’s choice to show that accurately. i just don’t think the scourging could have been that severe.

Thematically, it’s clear Gibson wanted to shock the audience with the amount of torture in the scourging. His torture represents the sins of mankind. It looks horrible because Gibson wants to impress us with the magnitude of God’s gift to us. That was the director's choice. If Gibson had toned it down to a less shocking level, maybe we wouldn’t get the message.

With that goal in mind, i still wish we could have seen Jesus’ face a little more clearly. It’s so dark with blood, it’s really grotesque and hard to look at by the end of the movie. Maybe i’m just squeamish and maybe that’s what Gibson wanted.

i had a problem with the cross too. Like i said, Jesus should have been carrying the patibulum, not the whole cross. i don’t understand why Gibson would choose to have each thief carry a patibulum and then have Jesus carry the unwieldy cross. That doesn’t make sense to me. Why would the Romans have treated Jesus differently from the two other condemned men?

Still, it didn’t bother me as much as Franco Zefferelli’s cross in Jesus of Nazareth, which was more like a scaffolding than anything else.

Another thing, Gibson put the nails in the palms. In that book on the shroud, i read that the flesh of the hand was not strong enough to hold the weight of a human for longer than a few minutes. In the movie, there’s some rope around the wrists, but i don’t buy that either. The Shroud of Turin shows the nail wounds in the wrists. Even if the Shroud is not authentic, you have to admit that the maker of the Shroud knew a lot about how people were crucified.

Does the brutality of the movie take away from its message? Some critics say it does. But i think many critics are confused about the message. And what is the message of The Passion of the Christ? Read the opening lines to J.S. Bach’s choral masterpiece, the St. Matthew’s Passion.

Come you daughters, help me lament.
See Him!
Whom?
The bridegroom. See him.
How?
See Him like a lamb.
O guiltless Lamb of God
Slaughtered on the stem of the cross.
See Him!
What?
Behold His patience
Always He was patient,
Although He was despised.
See Him!
Where?
Behold our guilt.
All sin hast Thou borne
Else we must needs despair.
See Him, out of love and graciousness,
Himself carrying the wood for the Cross.
Have mercy upon us o Jesus.

Nowadays, people seem to think that Jesus came simply to tell us to be nice to each other. It’s a pleasant message, and it fits into our overly secular world without ruffling too many feathers. But, it’s not why Jesus came here. Remember, we didn’t need Jesus to tell us to "love our neighbor." That commandment was already in Leviticus. But in our secular world, people have forgotten the real reason Jesus came to earth, which was to suffer, to die, and to rise again.

People complain that there’s not enough teaching in the movie. That might be a bit unfair. To make a movie that emphasized Jesus’ teachings would be to make a different movie. But i will say that it would have been a more pleasant viewing experience if Gibson had balanced the horror with more uplifting scenes.

Is The Passion Anti-Semitic?

Some people, including some professional film critics, have said that The Passion is “clearly" anti-semitic. If that is true, then the Gospels are even more anti-semitic. Gibson’s Passion is less anti-semitic than the Gospels, and remember, the Gospels were all written by practicing Jews.

i don’t think the movie is anti-semitic, though. The bad guy is Caiaphas, for sure. But even other members of the religious hierarchy are shown openly disagreeing with Caiaphas. i don’t remember that being in the New Testament. Anyone who sees this movie, and then extrapolates Caiaphas into a representative of all jews, including today’s . . . perhaps that person should look inside their own heart first.

Would i recommend this movie? Yes and no. i'm not one of those who says "everyone should see this movie." It's not for everyone. i don't see any reason for a non-Christian to see it, other than curiosity. But then a non-Christian might not have the theological background to know why we believe what is onscreen represents a good thing.

Anyone who is dead set against this film or Mel Gibson, probably shouldn't see it. It won't change their mind. But i would recommend it for practicing Christians. At least one viewing, as long as you keep in mind this caveat: it's just a movie, it's one man's interpretation, it's not a substitute for the Gospel.

The Passion: Preliminary Thoughts

i plan to see the movie. To prepare, i have avoided reading in depth reviews or listening to any of the talk shows that have devoted hours to uninformed opinions about the movie by people who have not yet seen it. Like anything having to do with religion, everybody has an agenda. It's real tough to find an objective opinion, so i try to stay away from all opinions until i can make up my own mind.

As an amateur historian, one thing i am interested in is whether Mel Gibson will depict the historical crucifiction accurately. i've heard so much about how bloody and violent the movie is. i'll reserve judgment on that until i see it. i think some anti-religious critics might be tempted to over-play the violent imagery in order to scare away viewers.

Most of the pre-release controversy is about the allegation that the movie and/or its director are anti-semitic. Two prominent jews whom i respect, and who have seen the movie, Michael Medved and Dennis Prager, insist that it is not anti-semitic. But again, they may have their own agendas. So i'll reserve judgment on that issue too.

i'll say two other things in advance of my seeing it. First, i don't have a high opinion of Mel Gibson as a director, based on his past work. He is not known for being particularly good at historical accuracy. i did not like Braveheart, which was riddled with innacuracy. Same with Patriot, although i did like that movie better after a second viewing. If there's an excessive amount of blood, it makes me wonder if the moviemaker knew that death from crucifixion usually came about by asphyxiation.

Secondly, i happened to see only one still photo from the movie. It showed a cross that is a bit different from the actual device i believe the historical Jesus carried on the way to Calvary. From what i remember (and sorry i don't have any cite for this, i'm going off memory.) Jesus only carried the crosspiece, called a patibulum. The vertical part of the cross was permanently set up on the hill. In the movie, as in most art, we see Jesus carrying a T shaped cross, but i don't think that's what the historical Jesus carried. i'd also be interested in seeing whether they put the nails in the wrists rather than the palms.

i'm not too concerned when i hear that the movie doesn't focus much on Jesus' teachings. There are plenty of very good movies that cover that already. The Greatest Story Ever Told and Jesus of Nazareth are two that i've seen many times. Lest we forget, for us Christians, Jesus was more than just a nice guy who said a lot of nice stuff. The whole point of his life was that he died, why he died and what his death and resurrection gave to us all.

i'm planning to see the movie this weekend with Betty and her sister, after which i'll let you know how it fared against my expectations.

SATC

i've read a lot of eulogies for Sex and the City over the last week, but none written as beautifully as this one at Candied Ginger. Thank you girls!

Happy Groundhog Day

"Rise and shine, campers, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's cooooold out there today!"

Ha ha. i love the movie. Bill Murray is the best. i laugh and cry and think, every time i see it.

"A thousand people, freezing their butts off, waiting to worship a rat."