...it's not dark yet, but it's gettin' there...
What could possibly be more absurdly ridiculous than Victor's impromptu Joe Don Baker haiku contest last September? i don't know if that boondoggle can be topped, but i'd like to give it a try.
So today, in a moment of dubious inspiration, i decided that i should hold a 
haiku contest. Like last time, there will be a prize for the winner. Unlike last time, i will pick a time limit and stick to it.
i think KISS is funny, but it doesn't matter if you despise them, or if you're a lifelong member of of the KISS Army. Hell, half the contestants in the Joe Don Baker contest never even heard of the man. All entries are welcome, and will be judged strictly according to my own secretive and arbitrary criteria.
Please feel free to post your entries here by 10:00 p.m. Pacific Standard Time on Thursday, February 3, 2005. i will then select a winner, who will receive a very nice mystery prize. The rest of you i will see in the boardroom, where somebody will be fired.
Update: Thenk you to everyone who participated. Fifty excellent poems were submitted. Now i must try to decide upon a winner.
Make-up like blind girls
evidently undead can still tour—
screeching like caught mice.
I call this one "Nightmare: My Mind Freezes As In A Blizzard As I Ponder the Thing That Is Gene Simmons Talking To A Groupie":
One in my tight pants.
One in my make-up caked mouth.
Which lizard, baby?
[shudders]
a strong start, dudes.
Posted by: annika on Jan. 31, 2005Wanna rock and roll!
All night? Well, not anymore.
It's these damn goiters . . .
Small hands and small feet.
Get a load of that long tongue,
but he can't use it!
Gene Simmons reflects
On the autumn of his years.
You know that's a wig.
"Kiss sucks!" we shouted,
in my youth, back in high school.
Kiss still sucks these days.
Detroit Rock City
Lack of music skills hid by
Tammy Faye makeup
KISS on the jukebox
Take it off, give it to me
Be my valentine
Gene, stick that frickin' tongue of yours
back in your mouth you filthy
damn pig
Kiss were once revealed.
Ears discovered, sales suffered.
Make-up re-applied.
You know, even tho Emily's doesn't fit the 5-7-5 definition of a haiku, it's the best one so far.
Posted by: Victor on Feb. 1, 2005My wife saw you play
you spit on her with fake blood
I hope it was fake
The day's almost here
When the make-up's always on,
Lest our age be seen.
Sure, we gad about
Like plucky demons on stage,
Rockin' and rollin'
Better to fade out,
Decrepit in our aged rut,
Than to brightly shine
For one great moment
And quit before we're the joke.
We believed that, right?
We can't remember;
Must be our medication.
What was the question?
(Naked fingers point
Against white skies - leaves long gone
Dogs piss on the trunk)
[kinda had to put the last one in so that I entered at least one actual haiku. -CW]
just for kicks, let me get in here:
MJ fixed his nose
after Gene fixed his tongue, but
whose face is whiter?
I think you should score yourself an extra point for finding a way to get Frankenstein's monster in there.
Victor wakes: cold sweats
same dark nightmare haunts his dreams
Joe Don and Gene: one
Annika's contest
Is totally invalid
It's not Wednesday
"What else do I have to know? It's illegal."
(Rep.Sonny Bono, Dec.)
Posted by: shelly on Feb. 1, 2005'midst Simon, Paula,
Randy: Gene judged the idols
and found them wanting
Oh, that's good, Annie...
"Rock and roll all night"
tiresome melody of youth
I grieve my own taste
And where is my interview?
Fuck this lame contest
I'm going to the bathroom
with Anni's Journal
Sid Vicious shoots smack
Elvis dies on the toilet
KISS still rules the world
Kabuki makeup
Amps stacked up to the rafters
Can't wait for the show
Ted Nugent opened
KISS then took the stage and then
Blew the damn roof off
Thirty six years old
You'd think my tastes might change but
you would be quite wrong
Simple loud cock-rock
Cartoon show for teenage boys
Just embrace your youth
Ha, this is so fun. i feel like paula abdul.
Here's another one (Don't worry, i won't pick my own haiku):
He who studies hard
while KISS music is playing
will ace test freely.
Look at the first post
it is not a Haku Poem
to many phrases
Rock and roll all night;
Party ev'ry day - sounds like
Law school's Free Beer Day.
-----
(my law school, anyway)
with all that makeup
I can get kind of confused
where's the clown posse?
if my dick can talk
and my balls have psychic gifts,
it's all thanks to KISS
KISS can kiss my ass
Gene Simmons once raped my cat
with that goddamn tongue
I'd do Shannon Tweed
but I fear she doesn't like
men who dress like men
it's on video
I saw Annie blow a KISS
hope you've got Quicktime
what if Gene Simmons
had to fight Joe Don Baker?
scrote-shriveling thought!
ass of Gene Simmons
rudely penetrated by
tongue of Gene Simmons
Kevin
Posted by: Kevin Kim on Feb. 2, 2005Never listened much
Not because I hated them
Just after my time.
Lol, keep em coming!
Combine cat-blogging
with a haiku about KISS:
Peter Criss's face.
Selleck's best movie
wasn't Quigley Down Under
it was Runaway.
KISS plays Santa Cruz--
college mascot goes missing!
Think Simmons ate it?
You got me real hot
Red light, green light, don't say "No"
Just make love all night
Gene, Paul, Ace and Pete
fall apart, then reunite!
Wasn't once enough?
Play the old records.
Listen with a teenage heart.
Rock n Roll all nite!
What were Kiss doing?
What were they all pursuing?
Just Plaster Casters.
Love Gun was a blast.
Psycho Circus made me mad.
Stickin' with the past.
Paul and Gene in charge;
Ace and Peter hit the road.
Crowds were not as large.
Hey, I'm just trying to inject meter and rhyme into Haiku. ;)
KISS had just one goal:
Be the band you want to see.
Then we'll rock n roll!
Haiku is so fun.
Sentence fragments tightly formed!
Please hand me a gun...
They were a fresh band,
but the Geritol kicked in.
Give it a rest, guys.
Hot sweet and sticky
God created rock and roll
Like candied ginger
Gene thinks he is hot
Long, gross tongue, hideous face
please leave now, old man
The Commando Trilogy:
KISS on a mission
strike-and-fade inside Baghdad
lick the terrorists
Zarqawi strapped down
Gene Simmons stands over him:
"Will this hurt? Ooooooooh, yes."
Zarqawi in tears
"Please-- no more," he gasps to Gene
...then Joe Don walks in
Kevin
Time's up. Nice job everybody!
Posted by: annika on Feb. 3, 2005Kiss Rules-Fuck you and your site!! BIATCH!!!
Posted by: Iggy on Mar. 10, 2005