Oops i Did It Again?

One of the running themes of my work life, my leitmotif if you will, is the "firmwide e-mail regarding dress code violations." i have been the unnamed cause of two such e-mails in the past, at two different offices, and it seems i may have become the inspiration for yet another at my present workplace.

i can't be sure though. My dress has become much more professional as my job responsibilities have increased. Still, on the occasion of this morning's e-mail, i decided to do a thorough examination of conscience, just to be sure.

O great and powerful H.R. person. It has been one and a half years since my last confession. Since then, i have . . .

Let me see that list . . .

Beachwear: Is that like a bikini? Okay. i'm good. i hope i have enough sense to know that i can't wear a bikini to work.

Halter tops: i'm okay there too. Unless you count company picnics.

Tank Tops: Oops. Maybe on a casual Friday or two.

Shorts: Shit. You got me there. i had no idea shorts were illegal. But i've only been wearing them on Fridays.

Severe Mini-Skirts: Define severe? Is that like leather?

Shirts with offensive language or slogans: You mean like Bush/Cheney 2004?

Flip Flops or Sandals: Guilty on both counts.

Leggings, Tights, Stirrup Pants: Nope. But you might want to walk down the hall and check out what a certain heiffer is wearing today.

Capri Pants, Pedal Pushers, or Flood Pants: Shit, those are out too? i love capris! And as for flood pants, go check out the I.S. guy, for Pete's sake.

Backless or Strapless Clothing: Come on. i'm not that much of a tart.

Sweat, Warm-Up, Jogging Suits or Workout Attire: Go check out the heiffer tomorrow.

Hats, Caps: Only on days that the Lakers play.

Denim shirts: i'm good.

T-shirts or sweatshirts: Only on casual day.

Midriff tops or sweaters: Okay, i push the envelope a bit on this one. But it's hard finding a top that doesn't creep up just a little as the day goes on.

Stone washed or severely faded denim pants or skirts: Not me. Come on, the eighties are so over.

Spandex: Don't make me laugh.

Overalls/jumpers: Only on days when i plan to do carpentry. Or play on the jungle gym. Gimme a break.

Painter or cargo pants: i've been known to wear cargo pants, and for that i'm sorry.

Workout attire, bike pants: i wouldn't need the extra padding of bike shorts if the chairs in the lunch room were more comfortable. Just kidding. i'd never.

Work/combat boots: LOL, no.

Sneaker/tennis/athletic shoes: Guilty.

Excessive jewelry: Do the tongue and belly studs count?

Stained, ripped, torn or wrinkled clothing: Not at all.

See through clothing: You mean i can't wear this outfit?

Low cut clothing: Not me. i have nothing to show off. You might want to take a look at the receptionist, though. That is if you can see past the crowd of male associates surrounding her.

Sunglasses in the building: Maybe once or twice after a hard night.

O great and benevolent H.R. person, i am heartily sorry for having offended thee. And i detest all my dress code violations because of thy just punishment. But most of all, because they offend thy delicate sensibilities, O great H.R. wench, who art all prude and needs to get a life. i firmly resolve, with the help of thy firm-wide e-mails, to violate the dress code no more, and to avoid the near occasion of style.

Amen.