...it's not dark yet, but it's gettin' there...

March 03, 2005

Damn Dirty Apes...

Isn't this how the Planet of the Apes began?

Two people were seriously injured and two chimpanzees were shot dead today in Kern County after several chimps broke from their cages at an animal sanctuary and attacked workers.

. . .

Animal Haven employees shot and killed two of the escaped chimpanzees, but two other chimps remain on the loose. Officials say it is unclear how the animals escaped from their cages.


Those chimps could be anywhere by now. Especially if they hijack a car. Be careful out there, and don't trust them treacherous chimps. Frank J. is right. They'll kill you, first chance they get.

Update: We can all breathe easier, the fugitive simians have been recaptured.

Those apes are animals. Literally.

KGET-TV of Bakersfield said the man and woman were at the Animal Haven Ranch to celebrate the birthday of Moe, which was not involved in today's attack.

After the couple arrived with a cake, two other chimpanzees - named Buddy and Ollie - went for the visitors.

Dr Maureen Martin, of Kern Medical Centre, said the apes had chewed most of the man's face off and that he would require extensive surgery in an attempt to reattach his nose.

LaDonna Davis suffered a bite wound to the hand.

Buddy and Ollie were shot and killed. Two other chimps which had also escaped were recaptured - one was cornered three kilometres from the sanctuary, 137kms north of downtown Los Angeles.

Well they were asking for it. Who the fuck gives a cake to a chimp? Everyone knows their diet consists of bananas. Well, that and PEOPLE'S FACES! apparently.

Update: i hadn't heard about the dude's nuts getting eaten, until OC Chuck and Papertiger's comments. Ouch. Since both of the above links seem to be broken, here's the ABC News story.

Posted by annika, Mar. 3, 2005 |
Rubric: The Huh? Files


Alas for the small pre-hominids.


Posted by: Kevin Kim on Mar. 4, 2005

ok that is scary...

Posted by: maizzy on Mar. 4, 2005

As a Masshole would say, "Wicked funny!"

Once again, you out do yourself Annika with hilarious blogging!

Posted by: Roach on Mar. 4, 2005

It's all good until someone loses a nose.

Posted by: JD on Mar. 4, 2005

He didn't only lose face, but he lost his "manliness" and a foot. Seriously.

Posted by: OC Chuck on Mar. 4, 2005

-just heard about this on the news.
You left out the part about the attacking simians biting off the liberal asshat's testicles, along with his face. Darwin award winner.

Think kindly of me and cats of all kinds. We eat those apes, not just because they are tasty, but because it's the right thing to do.

Paper Tiger

Posted by: Papertiger on Mar. 4, 2005

So much for the Disney set's bullshit, touchy-feely humanization of critters. Wild animals aren't our "friends," and they sure as hell aren't human. They will fuck you up. There's a reason that it can be a term of derision to call someone an "animal."

Posted by: Matt on Mar. 4, 2005

"Everybody was trying to get the chimp off," Chealander said. LOL

Posted by: MW on Mar. 5, 2005