Dad's Greatest Hits

At lunch today, a bunch of us were talking about our parents, and the pithy, often funny things that they say, in an effort to impart wisdom on us.

i love my dad. If there's one man i admire more than any other it's him, because i consider him the standard by which all other males of the species should be judged. i like to think i inherited some of his brains (except for his genius for math), his sense of humor, and his love of science, technology and sports. i wish i had inherited his rock solid dependability and work ethic. Or his unflappable calm and good humor.

My dad's a quiet man with a very dry sense of humor. He doesn't often give advice or make declarative statements, unless it's something funny. This actually serves to increase the value of anything serious he does tell his two children. Like the old TV commercial says: When my dad speaks, people listen. At least his kids do.

Here's a compilation of the most memorable and infuential statements my dad has uttered in my presence.

• Sometimes Annie, you have to do things you don't want to do.¹


• Don't ask me, look it up.²


• Learn to like sports, and you'll never be sorry.³


• The Democrats are a bunch of fucking communists.⁴


• You can apply to that school, but I'm not gonna let you go there.⁵


• What did you do to your hair?⁶


• What do you wanna do that for? There's too many damn lawyers.⁷


• You ride a motorcycle long enough, you're gauranteed to get a broken leg.⁸


• Me too.⁹


• Your career goal shouldn't be to just be a lawyer. It should be CEO.¹⁰


• What the hell did you do to your hair?¹¹


• Go ahead and spend it, that's what money's for.¹²


• A little hard work never hurt anybody.¹³


• You don't like that? That's the best part!¹⁴


• You're not going out of the house looking like that.¹⁵


• As long as you're living here, you follow my rules.¹⁶

Feel free to leave any of your own memorable dad quotes in the comments.
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¹ Probably the best advice he's ever given.
² This recurring theme was responsible for fostering my lifelong love of books.
³ Ditto for sports.
⁴ The impact of this statement was magnified by the fact that it was the only time i have ever heard my dad use the f-word.
⁵ In reference to U.C. Santa Cruz.
⁶ Upon seeing his only daughter as a brunette.
⁷ Which is what my dad, a lawyer, said to me upon first hearing that i was thinking about going to law school.
⁸ Statement made about a month before my high school boyfriend crashed his motorcycle.
⁹ His standard mumbled but sincere response to "i love you, Daddy."
¹⁰ After warming up to the idea of me in law school.
¹¹ Upon seeing his only daughter as a redhead.
¹² i know, i still can't figure that one out. Like i said, a real dry sense of humor.
¹³ What dad hasn't said this?
¹⁴ My dad, the quintissential Midwesterner. This statement usually referred to the most disgusting by-product of a meal, like tripe, bone marrow or chicken kidneys, for example.
¹⁵ This was also a favorite of my mom's, along with the next quote.
¹⁶ Thank God for those rules, though. They made me the sweet young woman i am today . . . well, occasionally.