...it's not dark yet, but it's gettin' there...

December 27, 2006

Wednesday is MAD Poetry Day: MAD Magazine

Quite simply, anything from MAD Magazine needs no introduction, save for the legal stuff: Copyright 1999, by E.C. Publications, this selection is from the December 1995, Super-Special #109 issue:

It's a gas!

The Night Before Christmas, 1999 or St. Nicholas Meets the Population Explosion
(with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

'Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the gloom
Not a creature was stirring;
There just wasn't room;
The stockings were hanging
In numbers so great,
We feared that the walls
Would collapse from the weight!

The children like cattle
Were packed off to bed;
We took a quick count;
There were three-hundred head;
Not to mention the grown-ups--
Those hundreds of dozens
Of uncles and inlaws
And twice-removed cousins!

When outside the house
There arose such a din!
I wanted to look
But the mob held me in;
With pushing and shoving
And cursing out loud,
In forty-five minutes
I squeezed through the crowd!

Outside on the lawn
I could see a fresh snow
Had covered the people
Asleep down below;
And up in the sky
What should strangely appear
But an overweight sleigh
Pulled by countless reindeer!

They pulled and they tugged
And they wheezed as they came,
And the red-suited driver
Called each one by name:
"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer!
Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, comet! On, Cupid!
On Donder and Blitzen!"

"Now, Melvin! Now, Marvin!
Now, Albert and Jasper!
On, Sidney! On, Seymour!
On Harvey and Casper!
Now, Clifford! Now, Max"--
But he stopped, far from through;
Our welcoming house-top
Was coming in view!

Direct to our house-top
The reindeer then sped
With the sleigh full of toys
And St. Nick at the head;
And then like an earthquake
I heard on the roof
The clomping and pounding
Of each noisy hoof!

Before I could holler
A warning of doom,
The whole aggregation
Fell into the room;
And under a mountain
Of plaster and brick
Mingled inlaws and reindeer
And me and St. Nick;

He panted and sighed
Like a man who was weary;
His shoulders were stooped
And his outlook was dreary:
"I'm way behind schedule,"
He said with a sigh,
"And I've been on the road
Since the first of July!"

'Twas then that I noticed
The great, monstrous sack,
Which he barely could hold
On his poor, creaking back;
"Confound it!" he moaned,
"Though my bag's full of toys,
I'm engulfed by the birthrate
Of new girls and boys!"

Then, filling the stockings,
He shook his sad face,
"This job is a killer!
I can't take the pace!
This cluttered old world
Is beyond my control!
There are even millions
Up at the North Pole!"

"Now I'm late!" he exclaimed, "And I really must hurry!
By now I should be over Joplin, Missouri!"
But he managed to sigh as he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Yeah, that looks like Christmas

Posted by Victor, Dec. 27, 2006 | TrackBack (0)
Rubric: Poetry


Mince Pie

Posted by: Casca on Dec. 27, 2006

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
The whole damn family was drunk as a louse.

Ma just from the cathouse, and I from the jail,
had just settled down for a good piece of tail.
When out from the yard there arose such a clatter,
I jumped off of Ma to see what's the matter.

Away to the window I went like a flash
Threw open the shutters and fell flat on my ass.
When what to my old bloodshot eyes did appear,
A fat assed old man & some run down reindeer

Dressed all in red fur and pounding his d***,
I knew that old bastard just had to be Saint Nick
As drunk, and f***'d up - and I was the same -,
he bitched and he swore and he called them by name.

"On Donder, on Blitzen. Quick! Over the walls!
Hurry now dammit, or I'll cut off your balls."
Then up to the roof he stumbled and fell,
And came down the chimney like a bat outta hell.

He staggered and stumbled and couldn't stand right,
That sonuvabitch, drunk, and high as a kite.
He spoke not a word, but instead stood and hurled,
Such a chunky bile stream, my hair went and curled.

He put his finger up by his red nose,
and stammered and slurred his dumb stupid prose.
And I heard him slur this as he passed out of sight,
"Piss on you all, it's one hell of a night".

Posted by: elmondohummus on Dec. 27, 2006

My daughter occasionally reports learning at the high school that there are too many people in the world. Bunch o'crap, I tell her, but if there's a population explosion it's France's fault. I hear their government's paying young French families to have kids and stay home with them for the first few years.

Posted by: Joules on Dec. 27, 2006

Man this place has major suckage going on. Anni must be crisping her incommunicado ass in a tropical third world hideaway. Gawd, I hope she's not stealing babies in Africa.

Posted by: Casca on Dec. 28, 2006

Damn you woman! How can you leave us in the hands of the village idiot? I've been reduced to going to the pathetic whiner Moxie's site where one can find an unending stream of self-absorbed pap disguised as thought. She pretends to be a conservative to confuse her adolescent admirers, but she is a defacto totalitarian. Besides being a snorefest, she sucks ass.

Posted by: Casca on Dec. 28, 2006

From A Christmas Carol:

``Since you ask me what I wish, gentlemen, that is my answer. I don't make merry myself at Christmas and I can't afford to make idle people merry. I help to support the establishments I have mentioned: they cost enough: and those who are badly off must go there.''

``Many can't go there; and many would rather die.''

``If they would rather die,'' said Scrooge, ``they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population."

Posted by: annika on Dec. 28, 2006

Hey!!! Up yours, Cas! I'm the whole state's idiot, than you very much!!


Hmmph... Villiage... Passed that level a long time ago...

Posted by: elmondohummus on Dec. 28, 2006

Of course you have El. I was referring to the idiot who posts uninteresting day-old shit every Wednesday.

Posted by: Casca on Dec. 28, 2006