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June 25, 2005

The Kick-Ass Movie Assassins Runoff: Round One Results

A week or so ago, i asked this provocative question in my rotating poll: "If Jason Bourne and Jack Bauer were each given orders to kill each other, who would win?"

The results are in. You decided, with 76% of the vote, that Jason Bourne would kill Jack Bauer.

Much as i love Jack Bauer, i'd have to add my vote to the 76%. Jason Bourne kicks ass!

One thing about Jason Bourne, and i haven't read the Ludlum books so i'm only relying on the Matt Damon portrayal here, but he is freakin' deadly all by himself. Without the aid of a memory, or any organizational backup at all, he was able to alternately hide from, or escape from the clutches of, any government's intelligence or police apparatus, including about a half dozen of the world's best assassins sent to get him. Plus he's a hell of a nice guy.

The trouble with Jack Bauer is that he is nothing without CTU. And CTU is unreliable at best. Look what happened last year. In twenty-four hours CTU managed to allow someone to take over all the U.S. nuclear power plants by remote control, resulting in a nuclear meltdown and thousands of deaths, someone then stole an F-117 stealth fighter and shot down Air Force One, probably killing the president.*

Poor Jack Bauer. Without his little palm pilot he's pretty much useless. Unfortunately, that palm pilot links him to CTU, which as Dawn Summers once pointed out, "has more leaks than the Nixon White House."

Jack has his strengths, to be sure. He doesn't quit, and he doesn't shy away from doing what has to be done. Like, for instance, shooting his boss in the leg or in the head, or killing his girlfriend's husband for "national security" reasons, wink-wink. Too bad Audrey Heller couldn't see that he is actually a pretty nice guy, too. Whatta picky bitch.

But the key reason i think Jason Bourne would win this round is that he's so damn fast. And when he fights, he attacks. It's like three punches and three guys go down in one second. i've never seen Jack fight like that, although maybe he hasn't had the opportunity. Next season, when Jack's flying solo, we might get to see what he can do without CTU, so i'm looking forward to that.

Next up: Beatrix Kiddo vs. Lara Croft (not technically an assassin but what the heck.) So go vote.

* i'm still not clear on that. Did the president die or not?

Posted by annika, Jun. 25, 2005 |
Rubric: Let's Go To Hollywood


Good analysis. Bourne wins.

Audrey is not only a picky bitch, she's a whiny bitch. And, as written, inconsistent. First, to protect national security secrets, she tries to participate in a double suicide with her father. Then, after that incredible act of heroism, she spends much of the rest of the day moping around like the weakest "Perils of Pauline" character ever.

Also, think of all those episodes in the context of a single day. If you are Audrey, for about 20 hours, every hour on the hour, Jack is on the phone in the most grating, unctuous tone ever, asking: "Audrey, are you ok?"

Can you imagine being Audrey and having to listen to that puppy dog crap every 60 minutes? "Jesus, Jack, I'm FINE. For Chissakes, stop calling me and go save the nation already! BTW, don't call me back, ever, you co-dependent fuck!"

Posted by: gcotharn on Jun. 25, 2005

LOL, gcotharn. excellent analysis on this most important topic.

Posted by: annika on Jun. 25, 2005

the only way bauer would have a chance against bourne would be to carry a one year old kid in the other hand, holding the palm pilot in the other of course.
seeing the one year old kid would turn bourne into a sitting duck i could take out with a bb gun.

some hot shot assasin. he's got blood in his veins.

Posted by: louielouie on Jun. 25, 2005

Hey Annika,
Thanks for watching my back, we babealicious bloggers must watch out for each other......I got you covered

Call on me if you ever need anything


Posted by: Pamela aka "Atlas" on Jun. 25, 2005

Shoulda smotherfucked her.

Posted by: Casca on Jun. 25, 2005

Who's Beatrix Kiddo?

Posted by: Victor on Jun. 27, 2005

OMG Victor! Get to a videostore tonight and rent Kill Bill Vol. 2! You of all people need to see that! it's also one of the best movies i've seen in years! And i despise Tarantino.

Posted by: annika on Jun. 27, 2005

Hmm. Not familiar with Bauer. Am familiar with both the movie and written portrayals of Jason Bourne. They are substantially different. Read the books; there's a lot more depth to the original story than comes across in the Damon movies.

Posted by: TriggerFinger on Jun. 30, 2005