...it's not dark yet, but it's gettin' there...

December 04, 2004

Why The 'Ell Not, You Bloody Sons-A-Bitches!

There's no question in my mind that Kofi Annan is on his way out as the U.N.'s generalissimo. But who should take his place? Perhaps you can guess who i would like to see as the next Secretary General.

elton john for sec gen.jpg

i'm totally serious about this. Totally serious. Let's look at Elton John's qualifications, shall we?

  • He couldn't be any worse than Kofi Annan.

  • He's British, and Great Britain is in the United Nations.

  • Even if he's not necessarily anti-American, he is sufficiently anti-Bush.

  • He sometimes wears funky sunglasses.

  • He's friends with Tim Rice.

  • He can sing good.

  • People seem to really like him.

  • i think he's met the Queen.

  • He knows how to play the piano.

  • He could ask Dionne Warwick (who knows a bunch of psychics) to be one of his advisors because... well... that's what friends are for...

  • He's got spunk.

  • He probably looks good in a blue beret.

  • It's the way that he move, the things that he do, wo-o-o.

  • And i'm sure there's a bunch of other things that make him qualified for the job, which i can't think of right now.
Which is my point, of course. What the heck does a Secretary General of the United Nations do anyway? And couldn't anyone do it? And if anyone can do it, why not get Elton John? i think it's a great idea. Wouldn't he be just as good as anyone else?

Please join me in this crusade. Now that Dan Rather is quitting, i need a new crusade. You can help. Next time the subject of the United Nations comes up at work, mention to your co-workers that you think Elton John would make an excellent Secretary General. Word will undoubtedly spread to the right people. Also, if you like to call radio talk shows, why not mention it on the air? That'd get the word out even faster.

If you have a blog, feel free to copy and post my sidebar ad, which you'll find if you scroll down my main page. And i guess the best way to help would be to email the United Nations itself. Their address is inquiries@un.org.

The motto of my new grass-roots movement will be "Why the 'ell not you bloody sons-a-bitches!" Which is what i would imagine Sir Elton would say if he were on board with this whole thing. Or if he knew about it at all. Which he doesn't, since i have no idea how to contact him. But i'm sure he'd be okay with it, because the idea is sure to catch on like wildfire.

Posted by annika, Dec. 4, 2004 |
Rubric: annikapunditry


The bitch is back!

Posted by: ken on Dec. 4, 2004

SO long as England is a permanent member of the security council, no Brit may serve as SG. Same rule for all permanent member countries.


Posted by: John Fembup on Dec. 4, 2004

Besides he's as irresponsible with money and its management as Kofi Annan was with the UNs.

Posted by: eduardo on Dec. 4, 2004

England ain't a member of the Security Council. And a bloke from Engerlund is called an Englishman not a Brit.....

With love from Scotland .......the best part of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.... 8-)

Elton couldn't do the job for less than 2700000 a year on his flower allowance, 245000 for shoes and his 'friend' David would have to be appointed Ambassador to the New York Fashion Show...

Posted by: dave t on Dec. 4, 2004

He pissed away a $300 million fortune. He'd be perfect for the job!

Posted by: Protagonist on Dec. 4, 2004

Plus, serving simultaneously as a secretary and a general may please Mr. John.

Posted by: croc rock on Dec. 4, 2004

And he seems to be wearing my maternal grnadmother's sofa...

Posted by: richard mcenroe on Dec. 4, 2004

It would give my wife somthing to like about the UN

Posted by: kitagod on Dec. 4, 2004

"SO long as England is a permanent member of the security council, no Brit may serve as SG. Same rule for all permanent member countries."

Great, then Bill Clinton is also ineligible. Huzzah!

Posted by: John on Dec. 4, 2004

For the record: the UK is a permanent member of the security council, therefore Sir Elton could not be the head honcho. Look it up... http://www.un.org/Docs/sc/unsc_members.html


Posted by: merritt on Dec. 4, 2004

Not only has he met the Queen... he IS a queen!

There is also that very unfortunate "Pig" comment in Taiwan. Truth is no defense.

Posted by: Casca on Dec. 4, 2004

I think He illuded to a desire to be SG as far back as the seventies. Check the lyrics of "Your Song." "I sat on the roof, and kicked off the moss.." I think that's what an SG does.

I'm all for it, Embrace Diversity, but don't get caught.

Posted by: Pops on Dec. 4, 2004

I love the headlines on the page. Talk about self serving dreck. I doubt Elton John has this big an ego.

Posted by: Slam Smith on Dec. 4, 2004

Sir Elton would probably consider the duties too tedious and borong.

Posted by: d-rod on Dec. 4, 2004

What UN job would Elton give to Bernie Taupin?

Two things are for certain:

(1) He would create a new United Nations Fashion Commission.

(2) He would press through resolutions calling for the immediate execution of all lip-syncing singers.

Posted by: Mark on Dec. 4, 2004

Nice inside joke reference D-Rod!

: )

Posted by: annika! on Dec. 4, 2004

So I said "England" and not "UK". Big deal. Anyway, consider this.

The British Isles are composed of four races of man

. . . the Scottish, who keep the sabbath--and everything else they can get their hands on.

. . . the Welsh, who pray on their knees--and on their neighbours.

. . . the Irish, who don't know what they want, but are willing to fight for it anyway.

. . . and the English, who consider themselves a race of self-made men, thereby relieving the almighty of a terrible burden.

Surely, then, Bono or Tom Jones would be far better candidates than Sir John, even if they were eligible.

Posted by: John Fembup on Dec. 4, 2004

Even if permanent members were allowed to serve as Secretary General (I wasn't aware of the restriction), I believe that politics dictates that a Third Worlder (or a neutral First Worlder) serve as Secretary General.

If you REALLY wanna give the UN fits, nominate Ariel Sharon.

Posted by: Ontario Emperor on Dec. 4, 2004

Hey, why not Dan Rather?

Posted by: Kevin Murphy on Dec. 4, 2004

At least they could get together to sing "Feed the World" again~ imagine the possibilities! Don't forget "Hold me closer Tony Danza" or something like that....

Posted by: bodaciousmo on Dec. 5, 2004

Can't you guys see that her finals have blown the girl's mind?

She's fucking with ya.

Annie, finish the tests, take a week, and come back with some more serious stuff. Elton belongs with the Skankwoman.

Posted by: shelly on Dec. 5, 2004

Very good Fembup. Are you familiar with Flanders & Swann? I direct you to their "Song of Patriotic Prejudice":

The English, the English, the English are best
I wouldn't give tuppence for all of the rest.

The rottenest bits of these islands of ours
We've left in the hands of three unfriendly powers
Examine the Irishman, Welshman or Scot
You'll find he's a stinker, as likely as not.

Do yourself a favor, and follow the link. They're an obscure gem of Western Civilization, and they make Tom Lehrer look like a punk:

Posted by: Casca on Dec. 5, 2004

Well, do we have to worry about a son or anything who will stick his hand in the till?

Posted by: Jerry on Dec. 5, 2004

Son, no. "Anything," yes.

Posted by: Attila Girl on Dec. 5, 2004

Never, and I mean NEVER mention Elton John and spunk in the same sentence!!!! For goodness sake I was just getting ready for dinner!

Posted by: Pursuit of Happiness on Dec. 5, 2004

Flanders and Swann indeed!
"Mud, Mud, glorious mud
Follow me follow, down to the hollow
And there we shall wallow
in glorious glorious mud."
Well, OK, it’s better when sung. Their one about the London bus sticks in the mind, as does I’m a Gnu, spelt GNU......
Sorry, memories of an English childhood coming out.
John F....Bono is from Eire, that part of Ireland not part of the UK, so he can serve as Sec Gen....Tom Jones can’t.

Posted by: Tim Worstall on Dec. 6, 2004

After careful consideration and an examination of the various candidates (Elton John, John Wayne, Vaclev Havel), I have decided to throw my support to Boy George.

Posted by: Ontario Emperor on Dec. 7, 2004

Boy George? i don't think so. He's gay and he dresses funny.

Posted by: annika on Dec. 7, 2004