The Skippy Stalin Interview, Abridged

[On August 28 and 29 of last year, I interviewed the famous Skippy Stalin of the blog Eat Every Sandwich. What follows are some highlights from that interview.]

[We talk about his blog's title, and the philosophy that inspired it, and of virgins generally.]

annikagyrl: okay so here we are with Skippystalin of Eat Every Sandwich which has been a favorite of mine on my blogroll for quite some time
skippystalin: Enjoy actually
annikagyrl: enjoy what?
skippystalin: Enjoy Every Sandwich. It's a Warren Zevon quote
annikagyrl: oh then name of your blog is Enjoy Every Sandwich?
skippystalin: Indeed
annikagyrl: i'm pretty sure it's Eat Every Sandwich, but whatever, I'll check it later
skippystalin: I would insist upon it
annikagyrl: so why did you pick the name enjoy every sandwich (as you call it)
skippystalin: Are you familiar with Warren Zevon?
annikagyrl: he did werewolves of london, right?
skippystalin: Yeah.
skippystalin: He was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. Before he died, he appeared on the Letterman show. The entire show was devoted to him, actually. One of the questions he was asked was if he learned anything from his impending mortality. His answer was " I learned to enjoy every sandwich."
annikagyrl: well, nice way to begin this interview... on an up note
skippystalin: Yeah, I'm a pretty "up" guy I suppose if there's a single sentiment behind my dopey musings, that would be it.
annikagyrl: what if it's a grasshopper sandwich?
skippystalin: You bear with it. Could be worse.
annikagyrl: i suppose. it could be a live grasshopper sandwich, for instance.
Okay, i totally love your blog, it's very eclectic like my favorite blogs all are, you're not tied down to one gimmick or theme, you post about whatever the fuck you wanna post about
skippystalin: Ah, you make me blush. I'm just a man of varied interests. I have been concerned about my readers getting whiplash though
annikagyrl: okay if there is one recurring leitmotif, besides blonde celebrities, it seems to be oral sex
skippystalin: some guys play golf, I have my .... passions.
annikagyrl: hey if you gotta be fixated on something, it might as well be oral sex
skippystalin: Can you think of anything better?
annikagyrl: question: in the world of oral sex, is it truly better to give than to receive? you see, i think it is better to give than to receive. especially when one is the one receiving
skippystalin: As do I. There's a certain power in giving, particularly to a woman.
annikagyrl: okay, if you were captured by terrorists and they said to you, "We'll let you go skippy, but only if you do something first. ... to prove that you are worthy, you must select one of three virgins to go down upon and if you satisfy her, we will release you." and then they bring out three veiled virgins and they pull up their veils but it's 1) helen thomas 2) rosie odowell and 3) madeline albright! which do you choose to go down upon?
skippystalin: Interesting question.
annikagyrl: yes, remember thay are all virgins
skippystalin: First, I despise virgins.They're degenerate. Second, I feel that decapitation would be a general improvement on both my life and my apearance. I'll go with death.
annikagyrl: hmm, okay, well if you get to use the condiment of choice on one of these three women, what would it be, mustard chocolate or caviar?
skippystalin: ...

[Whereupon the subject was changed to one of my pet peeves.]

skippystalin: You're an aspiring lawyer. Do you think that the Boulder DA's office should be merely fired, disbarred, or actually killed?
annikagyrl: let me tell you something about DA's. DAs are a pet peeve of mine. Invariably, they're the worst lawyers in the world (next to mark garregos, that is)
skippystalin: Of course they are. Just look at their suits.
annikagyrl: a job in the da's office is very competitive, so they pick only the best law students The top law students make horrible trial lawyers.
skippystalin: Yes, excellent students tend to be more theoretical than practical.
annikagyrl: by definition, they have absolutely no people skills. these are freaks of nature, nerds to a very high degree, only they sucked at math so they went to law school instead. And plus, prosecutors go into every trial with a huge advantage. Really they should never lose. But they do. Another thing is that they always try cases against public defenders who are by and large even bigger idiots. So whenever the da goes up against a real lawyer, they fall apart. Unless its the aforementioned garragos.
skippystalin: I disagree. I think Geragos intentionally takes horrible cases so his media profile and therefore his billable hour rate goes through the cieling. He doesn't need to win, he just needs to be on TV a lot. Is Gerragos really a lawyer, or just a media whore?
annikagyrl: it would be better if he won a few though. i mean, he lost a shoplifting case for pete's sake
skippystalin: Actually, I used to arrest shoplifters. They almost never get acquitted.
annikagyrl: no freaking way! were you a store security guard?
skippystalin: Loss prevention. Undercover. Liscened as a PI
annikagyrl: tell me, did being a security guy make you less tolerant of petty theivery
skippystalin: I always was. But it got frustrating because of cop and Crown nonsense that led to them never pressing charges.
annikagyrl: whats that some sorrt of canadian thing?
skippystalin: Yeah, a Supreme Court due process decision that resulted in a municipality litterally three blocks from my place throwing out charges up to and including drunk driving and sexual assault. In, I think, 1988.
annikagyrl: why
skippystalin: Because the cops were charging everyone and the Crown was putting them on trial. Therefore people were waiting YEARS for their day in court. We're talking thousands of cases backlogged.
annikagyrl: so they lost their right to a speedy trial?
skippystalin: Yeah. And they would very much not like to see that happen again

[On to the subject of blogging mechanics and influences.]

annikagyrl: i want to ask you about writing. how long does it take for you to write a post?
skippystalin: Depends on what I'm writing. Something about a guy in Orange County blaming Samoans for the dildo in his ass might take a half hour to an hour. The heavy political stuff requires research and takes much longer
annikagyrl: that took you a half hour to write? amazing
skippystalin: Maybe an hour. I was running late for work
annikagyrl: do you have any non-blog writing experience
skippystalin: None, other than some dopey songs about a decade ago.
annikagyrl: wow, i'm always impressed by people who can just toss off a polished post in a short time. I agonize over my long posts, which is why i do so few of them anymore
skippystalin: Well, some do take forever. I'm fast in that I already have apretty good idea what I think before I write. Most of that is sourcing for my readers though
annikagyrl: your smackdown of jackie passey is the classic of the genre, and believe me, there's a lot out there in that genre
skippystalin: I dunno. The Ace of Spades piece was brilliant. Mine was a little long winded I liked yours a lot, too. Yours led to mine
annikagyrl: you've almost generated a sort of, i don't know, authority in matters of love and relationships, with your previous postings - always with a sense of irony though, really brilliant stuff - which added to the quality fo the passey smackdown
skippystalin: I'm actually shocked by a couple of things about those relationship posts. I usually preface them by saying that I'm as big a mess as anyone or more so.
annikagyrl: we all are, believe me
skippystalin: I'm also not particularly charitable in describing anyone.
annikagyrl: well that works in the blogosphere better than in real life, lol. Do you ever get trolls?
skippystalin: Not so much. I have gotten dates though. That's an interesting experience.
annikagyrl: you do have a lot of female fans, more than usual for a male blogger, i'd say.
skippystalin: You think. I actually have a very small audience, so it's hard to say.
annikagyrl: who are your blog influences?
skippystalin: When I started, I wanted to be half as good as a few people. Ace, you, Deus Ex Machina and a blog called Forget Your Fears. As a matter of fact, I'd still like to be that good. Also the Late, Great Rob Smith. The Acidman was perhaps the bravest man on Al Gore's interwebs. And Joan of Seven Inches of Sense, the single greatest writer out there today.
annikagyrl: how about goldstein?
skippystalin: Only recently started reading him. The Frisch stuff was compelling.
annikagyrl: oh that was good theater, definitely. and i didn't realize how photogenic he was, did you see the video he did for malkin? it was pretty funny. How about the maximum leader? he is one of my blog idols too
skippystalin: And a great guy. We had dinner and drinks last fall.
annikagyrl: cool. so you must know of bighominid too then
skippystalin: I've read Kevin's work, but don't know him personally.
annikagyrl: well, he's an ocean away
skippystalin: Yeah. And I admire that he writes in that style under his own name. That takes HUGE balls.

[Breaching the blog proscenium, and my ass.]

annikagyrl: anyways im fascinated by the fact that you breached the blog proscenium by meeting a reader. I couldnt do that. The closest I got was when some dude tried to show me his penis on webcam
skippystalin: Shit, I was going to try that later...
annikagyrl: hahaah lol... Is that your picture on your blog? are you really bald?
skippystalin: Yes it is.
annikagyrl: very leninesque
skippystalin: Used it to prove that I'm every bit as ugly as I say I am.
annikagyrl: hahah, no its very sexy
skippystalin: Now I'm blushing again. Yeah, I should grow the Saddam beard back.
annikagyrl: i posted every thing on my banner except my ass, i think
skippystalin: And may I say that you have the Greatest Ass in Human History.
annikagyrl: what ass?
skippystalin: You had a picture of you in a blue sweater and jeans with a girl next to you in white jeans. Well, I fell in love.
annikagyrl: oh haha, i was about 23 in that picture. it don't look that good anymore now that im pushing 30
skippystalin: Ahhhhh, still in the flower of youth
annikagyrl: haha, the chick next to me is a real hottie in that pic
skippystalin: I beg to differ,. and I'msomething of an expert in that area.

[Flawed Giants.]

annikagyrl: anyways back to more pressing issues if you have time
skippystalin: Sure.
annikagyrl: oh what books are you reading
skippystalin: I just finished Dalleck's second volume of his LBJ biography. Right now, I'm moving back and forth between American Dynasty about the Bush family and Six Days of War by Michael Oren
annikagyrl: why dalleck, rather than caro?
skippystalin: Master of the Senate was a GREAT book. I'll get to Means of Ascent sooner or later.
annikagyrl: so you are really an LBJ fan?
skippystalin: He was interesting. I think he and Nixon were the last near great presidents and certainly the last interesting ones
annikagyrl: i think dalleck's book's title says it all about the man: flawed giant. I think what saves LBJ for me is that he was such an interesting guy, although i think his presidency was harmful in many ways. But I love stories about the "johnson treatment"
skippystalin: I'm not as well -read on Johnson as I am on Nixon. I've read probably 50 books by or about Nixon
annikagyrl: i saw something on fox tonight, where they said pelosi fancies herself as a real tough broad, i thought, yah right, LBJ was tough. Tip O'Neill was tough. Pelosi's not tough
skippystalin: I saw a headlinr to that effect. In a way, it's almost tragic that the Democrats are so pathetic.

[Jessica Simpson's talents and Katharine Harris's titties.]

annikagyrl: did you see this story skippy? "Jessica Simpson's publicist makes a shocking admission: 'she can't sing'" she should fire that publicist
skippystalin: Her cans more than make up for it.
annikagyrl: gee i wonder if theyre real?!
skippystalin: Her cans? Who cares? They're Katherine Harris nice
annikagyrl: haahha. i must say i've never noticed katherine harris's titties, i'll have to take a look next time she's on tv
skippystalin: They are superiour. I have pics on my blog. I'll send you the link
annikagyrl: harris is such an airhead
skippystalin: Yup. Also, remember that Harris is 830 years old. But I'd endorse her if she promises to make all of her Senate speeches on a trampoline
annikagyrl: on the radio today, she said tax reform would help us get back the millions of jobs we've lost. Jeb is probably ready to call her and say. "uhh honey, cool it with the lost jobs thing mmkay?"
skippystalin: Uh, yeah. Not exactly a selling point for Republicans.Particularly with this president
annikagyrl: maybe she can mud wrestle with barbara boxer
skippystalin: Nah, she's not hot enough. That's why I wanted Mimi Miyagi to win in Nevada
annikagyrl: ill have to google her.
skippystalin: Oh, I wrote aout her campaign too. Frances Townsend is hot, but she's an appointee
annikagyrl: who is that, pete's mom?
skippystalin: No, the Homeland Security advisor
annikagyrl: yes she is very pretty
skippystalin: I'd like to elect her to something, then have her dance in a bikini
annikagyrl: hahaha. maybe she could be the official pole-ster
skippystalin: Could be. I'd like a Frances/Condi sandwich.
annikagyrl: interesting, would you insist that condi wear the boots?
skippystalin: But of course.

[Conclusion.]

annikagyrl: great stuff, Skippy, thanks.
skippystalin: Thank you and sweet dreams