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June 18, 2006

Random Soccer Thoughts

If the mere existence of a sport can be viewed as evidence of American superiority over the rest of the world, it is soccer.

There's real football, and there's futbol. They can't even fucking spell it right.

We suck at soccer because we don't care about it. We don't care about it because it is a stupid game.

You will never ever hear me say, "It's amazing, even though the score was 0-0, I really enjoyed watching that game."

Soccer is fun to play because all you do is run around and kick a ball. Soccer is boring to watch because all they do is run around and kick a ball.

When the foreign announcers say "gooooooooooooool!!!!" we laugh. But we're not laughing with them.

Beckham is eurotrash.

When Sylvester Stallone made that movie about soccer, he had to mix in a subplot about escaping from prison or some shit like that just to make it interesting, and it still sucked. The only movie about real football that had a prison subplot is The Longest Yard. It's now considered a classic, and they didn't even escape!

Soccer is like a slow, boring version of hockey, but without the fighting, or skating, or sticks, or guys getting slammed into a wall, or any action whatsoever.

Soccer is slower and more boring than golf, only there's more scoring in golf even though golfers are all trying not to score!

Soccer is basically like watching a high school football practice. A bunch of guys running back and forth across a field for three hours. Except the guys at my high school were cuter.

I root against the U.S. because the sooner we get knocked out, the sooner I get to stop hearing idiots complain that Americans don't like soccer.

If I have to, I root for Brazil because they come closest to making the game entertaining.

Feel free to add your own.

Posted by annika, Jun. 18, 2006 | TrackBack (0)
Rubric: Sports


Your absolutely right about this game. It infuriates other countries that we could give a flying ---- about it. I once attended a game in Munich and couldn't believe the stench on the subway on the ride back to the hotel. (Imagine people drinking alot of heavy beer on a very warm day) And I'm half German from what they tell me.

There is a scenario, presented to me the other day, that might wane the rest of the world's appetite for this most boring sport: If the U.S. won the whole damned thing! And we still didn't give a crap or know anything about it, except that we won. This would be the kind of cursory attitude about all things international the rest of the world loves mocking us about. Some believe it will happen in the not too distant future. I hope they're right!

Posted by: Mike C. on Jun. 18, 2006

European soccer fans are only interesting in drinking, fighting and vandalism. So they want the game to be as boring as possible so they are not distracted from their real reason for being there.

Soccer in Europe serves the same purpose as Muzak does in our elevators.

Posted by: Jake on Jun. 18, 2006

There was a movement in Poland or maybe it was Latvia a few years back, started by the die-hard, hardest drinking, vandalism loving fans, to have the ball removed from play for the entire second period. The local breweries funded the lobbying efforts as did the major vandalism provider, Erotrashit GmbH. THere were a few exibition matches played under the no ball in the second period rule but fans polled after the game claimed not to have noticed anything different. SO, the rule was not adopted or maybe it was.

Seriously, though, I happen to love watching soccer. I think it is tense, athletic and overall quite enjoyable. Those who focus on the fans and their bad behavior are just looking for another opportunity to beat on Europeans and to wave the stars and bars, oops, stripes!

Posted by: Strawman on Jun. 19, 2006

Soccer fits the European way thinking perfectly. Always play defense, ignore offence and hope for a miracle goal. Off the field Europeans always react to crises, never take proactive measures to prevent them and hope for a miracle.

Their soccer attitude caused WWI, WWI and the flourishing of Islamic terrorism. And of course, America had to come in and score the miracle goal and save their existence.

Posted by: Jake on Jun. 19, 2006


I played hockey from kidergarden through my senior year in high school.

Everytime I see one of these pansies get knocked over, pushed, shoved, or tripped I laugh at their reactions - 30-90 seconds of anguish and pain like they just ripped all the ligaments and tendons out of their knee or ankle only for them to hop up and run down the field a moment later.

Hey, Rolando, Ronaldo, whatever your name is...take a hit from someone who weighs 200+ pounds, moving at a much greater rate of speed than anyone can run, take that hit to the chops and have your mug smashed against the boards of a hockey rink, and your mellon bounced off the cold hard ice, and I bet you will never "act" so pathetically after being shoved to the grass again...

I think if they allowed fighting in soccer it would be worth watching.

Go Oilers!!!

Posted by: jcrue on Jun. 19, 2006

Go Jake,

Iraq really looks like a big save. And drinking beer raises your IQ. Anything else you need to know?

Posted by: Strawman on Jun. 19, 2006

hitler played with only one ball!

Posted by: annika on Jun. 19, 2006

Any attempts to try and persuade the American television audience that soccer is anything but a painful exercise in boredom is obviously a Communist plot.

(I'd rather watch old re-runs of that guy on PBS who would teach you how to draw - remember him? he had the really huge white man's 'fro and talked really, really, really slowly and very, very quietly. Anyway, that guy drove me fucking nuts, and I'd still rather watch him than soccer.)

Posted by: blu on Jun. 19, 2006

p.s. Jake, the first paragraph of your post was classic. Nice work.

Posted by: blu on Jun. 19, 2006

Hey - it's better than cricket. Can i get an amen?!

Posted by: kyle on Jun. 19, 2006

Kyle - no, in cricket the bowler sometimes hits the batter. That's at least 10 times as entertaining as anything that happens on a soccer field.

The problem with soccer is that there is no systematic advancement towards a goal. They get the ball all the way across the field in a few seconds, and then someone power kicks it halfway back down the field. It's a grown up version of keep-away. There's no build-up to a climax, as there is with the 4 down posession system in American football or the advance around the bases in baseball (not that I like baseball, but it's a better game than soccer). And scoring in soccer is much too infrequent - the goal needs to be widened. Hockey suffers from the same drawbacks, but makes up for it with faster action and gratuitous violence.

Posted by: John on Jun. 19, 2006

"hitler played with only one ball!"

Rommel had two but both were small.

Posted by: alppuccino on Jun. 19, 2006